Clothing Optional

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If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you already know three things. I’m extremely self-conscious when it comes to my own personal nakedness, I have no doubt that other people would not appreciate seeing me au natural, and I’ve always believed that it’s incredibly cruel to scare small children. If you’re not familiar with the words, “Au Natural,” I think it’s French for “Patrick Dykie – please do not take off your clothes.” That being said; I have the greatest respect for people who are brave enough to throw away their inhibitions, go against societal norms, are comfortable with their own bodies, and embrace a lifestyle most of us, including me, would not choose.

As I normally do: I thoroughly research the subjects I present in my simple observations of everyday life posts. I learned some interesting facts about what’s commonly called, “the naturalist, or clothing optional lifestyle.” Growing up, I would often hear stories of nudist camps or colonies, located in isolated areas, far from civilization. Today there are nude resorts, retirement communities, cruises, and even clothing optional bed and breakfast establishments. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that last ones, such a good idea. It would be quite an eye opener in the morning, before you’ve had your first cup of java. What do you say to the unclothed gentleman next to you, who looks like a yak, and doesn’t, as per proper etiquette, politely place a large napkin in his lap. “Excuse me sir, but could you please pass me the syrup? What the heck – ahh – that’s okay, I think I’ll just have the coffee.” Continue reading

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Turning into a Giant

 

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Back in June, I wrote a post called, “The Incredible Shrinking man.” At that time, after a visit to my doctor, I was convinced that I was rapidly shrinking. Since then, I’ve been noticing some disturbing trends involving my size, and that of the world around me. I’m not exactly sure, but one of two things are happening. Either, I’m growing at a frightening, and exponential rate, or the world around me is swiftly getting smaller. At this pace, I’ll soon be an enormous giant, similar to the man in the classic novel, “Gulliver’s Travels,” and average people, I meet during the course of my day, will look like tiny Lilliputians.

Recently my wife bought a new Prius Eco. She said that, not only did it get tremendously improved mileage per gallon of gas, but was better for the environment. I told my wife that it seemed a little small. She said it was considered a midsize vehicle, and would seat five people. “Five very small people, or maybe even children,” I thought,” as I crouched down, bent my knees, ducked my head, painfully bumped my noggin on the top of the door, and squeezed into the front drivers-side. Even after adjusting the seat as far back as possible, the steering wheel pressed uncomfortably against my stomach. My hair brushing against the roof, reminded me that I needed a haircut. The good news is, the car has a rear hatchback. If I open it while driving, the back of my head, won’t be pressing tightly against the rear window glass. I was surprised there weren’t twenty clowns stuffed in the back seat, looking for a ride to the circus. Continue reading

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Hair Today – Gone Tomorrow

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This morning after shaving, I took a good like at my face and head. Like most middle-aged men, I’m starting to see the inevitable, and rapid transfer of massive quantities of hair follicles, from the top of my cranium, to every other part of my body. Except for the palms of my hands, the soles of my feet, my lips, and of course the top of my head; lush, thick, and vibrant hair continues to grow, and flourish. This is especially true on my back, my eyebrows, and the inside of my nose and ears. Luckily, the hair on my head is only receding, so the worst thing I’m facing right now, is a thirteen-inch forehead. It’s funny, but years ago we used to call men with long hair, hippies. Today we call them – lucky!

After meticulously counting all the strands of hair, I found on my comb, and then comparing it to the amount that was left on the top of my head, I thought to myself. “Patrick Dykie – why don’t you just give up your valiant battle with time, shave your head completely, and face the future with pride and dignity?” Actually, I can answer that question very easily. Because, I have an ugly, hideous, and malformed head, that looks like a big ball of misshapen Play Doh, that’s why. If I shave off what’s left of my hair, you have the makings of a terrifying horror flick. There are some men like Vin Diesel, LL Cool J, and the Rock, that look great, bald. Heck, if I looked like them, I’d shave my head in the next five minutes. Many bald men, have natural good looks, rugged handsomeness, and an air of extreme confidence. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them. Continue reading

Posted in Body Image, Personal Hygiene, Simple Observations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Looking for Love

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For the purpose of full disclosure, and in the presence of my fellow bloggers; I am stating for the record, that in a little over a week, I will be celebrating twenty-three years of wedded bliss, to the most wonderful woman in the world. I also, hereby swear, that I will not now, or at any time in the future, procure the services of any business dealing with online dating. “Honey, I said it. Can I take my hand off the Bible, now?

I was watching TV last night, and it seems like every week there’s a new dating service being advertised. Some sites claim they base finding a partner for you, on specific compatibility matrixes, while others help you find your soul mate through lengthy personality testing or behavioral matchmaking systems. I remember when things were so much simpler. You found that special someone in one of two ways. The first was, you asked someone out for coffee, you went on a date, and subsequently a few more, before you met their parents. You then dated some more, proposed, got married, and lived happily ever after. At least, that was how it went for me. The second way involved going to a bar or nightclub, having a few drinks, and hooking up in a dark, hot, smoke-filled room, with music so loud you both needed sign language skills just to say hello? Those were your only two choices. Continue reading

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Be Sure to Flush

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A few weeks ago, the Powerball Lottery jackpot in my state, had reached close to half a billion dollars. I played a few tickets, and as I often do; daydreamed of being the sole winner of hundreds of millions of life-changing dollars. I went online, and started checking out some of the high-priced real estate that might fulfill the simple needs and tastes, of a down to earth man, who has worked his entire life. I also looked at a few modern vehicles, to possibly cruise my old neighborhood in style, as I waved at some of my former neighbors, who had made my life miserable. I guess, it would be wise to hire a personal chauffeur. I wouldn’t think a man of such extreme wealth, should have to drive himself to his job each day, and deal with rush-hour traffic, inconsiderate drivers, and frequent incidents of road rage. Oh, just so you know. I was joking about the work thing. I would not only not work, but probably buy up my old company, and fire my boss.

Perusing listings for suitable mansions in appropriate, and exclusive neighborhoods, I came across a lovely house in Hollywood, California, that recently went on the market for a reasonable 195 million dollars. The breathtaking property, sits amidst 25 acres of beautifully landscaped, and well-maintained land that features a fully operational vineyard. The house itself, is approximately 53,000 square feet of luxurious living space. The contemporary home, with many modern amenities, features a 15,000-square foot entertainment center, a bowling alley, Turkish spa, Olympic-size swimming pool, a 3000-bottle wine cellar, 16 fireplaces, 12 bedrooms, and 23 bathrooms. Continue reading

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Got Milk?

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Have any of you, recently taken a good look at the dairy case in your local supermarket? I could be wrong, but didn’t it used to be a simple, well-lit, refrigerated structure, filled with rows of cold, delicious, vitamin fortified goodness, in a few different fat contents, flavors, and sizes? Milk cases now contain, an incredible assortment of every milk product ever created. I don’t think a lot of it is even real milk. You’ll see such things as soy, almond, coconut, and rice milk. You’ll also see dozens of different coffee creamers, in exotic flavors like: mocha, hazelnut, caramel, pumpkin, butter pecan, and peppermint.

Usually, when I do my weekly grocery shopping, I’ll stop at the dairy case, quickly grab a gallon of whole milk, and head to the check-outs. Today I took a few minutes to see what the simple milk I grew up with has evolved into. Besides whole milk, they now have skim milk, 1% milk, and 2% milk. Do you know what the difference between 1% and 2% milk is? Yes, one percent. Wow, you people are sharp today. Not much of a difference, is it? How can they determine the percentage so perfectly? Does one guy yell, “Hey Joe, it looks like we got 1.22% milk here. Could you take a teaspoon and skim a little fat off the top?” Continue reading

Posted in Food, Simple Observations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

The Good Old Days?

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My youngest son, left a few days ago, to start his final year of college. Not one to waste time, and always planning on the future; I grabbed my trusty tape measure, and went into his room, to possibly procure a few ideas on converting the large space into my own personal, and incredible man-cave. Entering the supposedly, deserted room, I came upon my wife frantically moving about, and taking her own meticulous measurements for what were most likely, new blinds. Discretely hiding the tape measure behind my back, I said, “Honey, what ya doing?” She replied, “I was just thinking how this room would make a wonderful office for me, and we would still have room for a crib, for when we watch are granddaughter.” I sighed, and headed to the basement, to see if there was enough room to pitch a tent.

Measuring the basement ceiling height, from a cold concrete floor to exposed wooden rafters, I stopped for a moment to ruminate about, not only my son’s entrance into a new, uncertain, and challenging future, but my own ventures into a big and scary world. By this time next year, he’ll be out on his own, and facing some of the things I had encountered after leaving the relative safety and comfort of my parent’s home. For the first time in his life he’ll be dealing with a pressure-filled, and unforgiving work environment, bills, sleepless nights worrying about bills, an empty refrigerator, packing lunches that make high school food look like a gourmet feast, and more bills piling up on the kitchen counter. Oh, I almost forgot – roaches. Can’t forget those darn pests. The more I thought about it, the more I started to wonder. Were they really the good old days? Continue reading

Posted in Everyday Life, Simple Observations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

That’s What I Call Love

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I was at Amazon Prime last week, looking for a unique gift for a friend’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I figured, he’d enjoy a funny tee-shirt with the words, “Just Kill Me, Please,” or maybe a frightening picture of the Grim Reaper, accompanied by, “Come Get Me, I’m Ready.” Do you know what else I found while perusing pictures of hilarious tee shirts? I didn’t think they still made them, but there are literally thousands of different his and her tee shirts for sale, in an endless variety of styles, colors, designs, and phrases. I was surprised they were still around. I thought matching tattoos, and body piercings, were the 21st centuries way of showing undying love, and endless devotion.

I was wondering if any of you guys out there, received the “His” half, of a matching pair of his and her tee-shirts, either as a birthday present, a Christmas gift, or just because she loves you? Have you worn it yet? More importantly, have you worn it while your significant other wore theirs? Did you go out in public together while wearing the tee-shirts? Did you stand side by side, in your matching tee shirts? Could you please raise your hand if you answered yes, to all these questions? Come on guys; there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just a silly tee-shirt, and you do love her with all your heart and soul, don’t you? I have one last question. Are you now, permanently living in an isolated and inaccessible log cabin in the Alaskan wilderness? Continue reading

Posted in Everyday Life, Love, Simple Observations | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

Looking Like a Geek God

 

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I was having trouble sleeping a few nights ago, turned on the TV, saw an infomercial for some kind of abdominal strengthening machine, changed channels, and was met by a man and woman, side by-side on something called a Gazelle Glider. I flicked through a few more channels; each with either, a new and miraculous diet, a machine that will give you a hot and sexy, beach body in mere weeks, a device to produce washboard abs in minutes a day, and a Zumba dance routine, based on Latin dancing styles, and guaranteed to melt away stubborn fat while having fun. I finally found a rerun of “Full House,” grabbed a diet soda, a generous piece of ring bologna, and a big chunk of swiss cheese from the fridge, and settled down for a quick snack.

The sad thing is that over the years, I’ve bought and tried almost every exercise device that was ever invented, with the sole purpose of sculpting my body into that of a classic and formidable “Geek” god. Oh, no. I think it’s supposed to be a “Greek god.” I guess that answers a few questions of why I haven’t lost weight, have unacceptable levels of body fat, can’t walk up a flight of steps without being winded, and have what’s known at my local drinking establishment, as washing machine abs. Continue reading

Posted in Body Image, Exercise, Simple Observations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Runfer Your Life!

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Most of us have observed domesticated fowl, or as they’re commonly known to us as chickens, at one time or another. I saw some just yesterday, and they were just the way I like them; crispy, fried to a golden brown, and with a delicious flaky biscuit, and a side of crisp coleslaw nearby. Unless you live on a farm, grew up in a country setting, or have a rotten neighbor, who bought a rooster, just to make your life miserable, chances are you haven’t seen a chicken, up close and personal. No, I’m not talking about the ones you encounter in the meat section of your local supermarket, or at your local purveyor of tasty, well-prepared, baked, barbecued, or fried chicken products. I’m referring to real-life, mean and diabolical creatures, spawned from your worst nightmares.

Most people don’t know this, but chickens are pretty nasty members of the bird family. I did some research, and learned that chickens were first domesticated almost ten thousand years ago. Do you know what the term domesticated is, concerning chickens? It means we captured the chickens, locked them in cages, and then prayed they didn’t escape and get us. Do you know that there are almost three chickens, for every man woman and child in the world? That’s either a lot of good eating, or one scary thought. The hens, which are the female chickens are bad, but male roosters are particularly mean. I always wondered why, until I learned that a typical ratio among flocks is (12) hens for every (1) rooster. I have one wife, and she keeps me on my toes. Imagine having twelve! I can understand why they might be a little grumpy. Continue reading

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