Talking Pictures



“There’s nothing like the taste of a cold one, while relaxing on a beautiful beach in sunny Cancun during spring break. That last semester was really a killer. If I had to count to ten one more time, or start trying to sound out vowels, I think I’d go nuts. Not to mention that final on the first five letters of the alphabet. What do you say about that – mommies little boo bear?”

‘Come on Mel! Keep it down.We’re on vacation. I told you twice; you’re supposed to call me Rex. I want the other toddlers to think I’m at least five. By the way; did you bring your fake ID with you. I was sure that last bartender was going to card me.”

“Duh, mommies lit………. Sorry about that…. Rex. We’re in Mexico for Heaven’s sake. Here at our good friends to the south, I think the legal drinking age is……… Hey, I don’t think there is one!”

“Melanie, do you mind putting some sunscreen on me. Make sure it has an SPF of at least 30, and contains the no tears formula. I do enough crying as it is without my eyes burning. Besides, you know how easily I burn with all this baby skin. I want to get a nice even tan, so I look good at the club tonight for the wet diaper contest. I figure that with a few more of these cervezas, I can’t lose.”


“Come on Bill! Don’t you think you might have taken it just a little too far this time? For how many years have we been playing this cat and mouse game. After this latest, uncalled for incident; I have just one thing to say – Squeak, squeak, squeak.

“We’ve done this dozens of times. Let’s review how it’s “supposed” to go. Of course, it snows. Usually, it’s a few inches, but once in a while, like today, it’s more than a foot of heavy, wet snow. I look out the window, sigh, bundle in layers of clothing, put on a hat and gloves, grab my snow shovel, and head out to my driveway. Meanwhile, you have been sitting for hours at the end of my block, drinking coffee inside a ten ton snowplow, and eagerly waiting for the snow to stop. You then wait until I’m finished shoveling out my driveway, and turn to head inside. That’s your signal to put the plow in gear, accelerate to seventy-miles-per-hour, angle your blade slightly, and completely rebury my driveway. You then blow your horn as you pass, while I vigorously shake my fist, as you circle the block.”

“This organized and familiar process will usually repeat itself, until you either tire of the game, or I give up, go inside, and have my wife call 911, after suffering severe chest pains. I know that on special occasions like my birthday, or maybe Valentine’s Day, you’ll celebrate by taking out my mailbox. I can accept that; but today, you saw my boot was stuck in a mound of snow, and I was completely immobilized, as I frantically pawed at the snow to free myself. I hope you understand what this means. From now on, my wife will be doing all the shoveling. I KNOW you won’t be messing with her – nobody does.”


“Well, well. If it isn’t the infamous Mr. Patrick Dykie, in the flesh. Don’t remember me, do you? I know it’s been a while, but let me jog your memory. The year was 1998, and the place was Poughkeepsie, New York. Our paths crossed during a performance of the famous Barnham and Bailey’s Circus. I’ve been reading some of your simple observations, and it seems that you still have a fear of clowns. How very opportune. Still don’t remember me, huh? Let me remind you. You and a few of your friends decided to have a little fun with the circus clowns. Sneaking into to a tent with an unattended clown car, you proceeded to take it for a joy ride, only to abandon it a few miles away. Without the clown car, my fellow performers and I, were forced to enter the arena in my grandmother’s old 1964 Rambler – which was not very funny.”

“To make a long story short; due to the incident, a young clown was fired. He was working summers at the circus to pay his college tuition, but was forced to drop out. That sad young clown never fulfilled his dream of becoming a dentist. He is now older and wiser, and still working in the entertainment field, as he struggles to support his family by performing at children’s birthday parties. His kids don’t respect him, he has carpal tunnel syndrome from making too many balloon animals, and even his wife of twenty years, still calls him Bobo. No, Mr. Dykie; don’t try to stand up. Not only are your pants around your ankles, but I put super glue on the toilet seat. Before I climb into the stall, so we can get better acquainted, I have just five words for you.”

“Say hello to BOBO. Mwahahaha…………..!”


“Hold on Irma. Just a few more blocks, and we’ll be at the hospital emergency room. While we have a few moments alone together; I just want to say, I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you so bad, by putting on that Hillary Clinton mask, and jumping out of the closet. To be fair; you’re the one who bought it for Halloween, and gave me a few sleepless nights. I’m also sorry, I didn’t drag you to the car sooner. I swear, when you grabbed your chest, and dropped to the floor, I thought you were playing dead. On the bright side; I think I’m doing a pretty good job of driving your old Buick. People used to laugh when they’d see me riding around on your lap. Little did they know that while you were taking a nap, I’d be reliably navigating us to our destination.”

“Hold on tight. I’m going to run this red light. Oh, oh; a cop just put on his flashers, and is right behind us. Do you think you have the strength to open the glove department and grab the insurance and registration cards? Luckily, I’m wearing my license on my collar. Do you think he’ll ask for proof of vaccinations. In my rush to get you to the hospital. I forgot to bring them. Hey, I got an idea. Hand me that bottle of seltzer water. I’ll take a sip, swish it around in my mouth, and let the foam drip out. When the policeman comes up, I’ll roll down the window and growl. If that isn’t enough for him to take off, just keep repeating – Cujo, Cujo.”


5 Replies to “Talking Pictures”

    1. Thank you for the fantastic compliment. I really appreciate it. I try to be a storyteller. I might someday tell my stories on video or live. Who knows what the future holds. Thanks again, and take care.


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