Here are a few more snippets from my new book, Simple Observations – A Humorous Look at the Absurdity of the World Around Us. I hope you consider getting the book as a present for someone special in your life who is near and dear, but may be just a little messed up. My wife has already bought thirty copies for me. I keep telling her that I wrote the darn book, and I kind of already know what’s going to happen next, but she won’t listen. The book is available anywhere in the world. I was hoping to get a copy into outer space, so I wouldn’t be lying when I said, “Simple Observations, is out of this world.” Unfortunately, all the rocket scientists at NASA where so busy passing it around, and trying to figure it out, they forgot to put it on the last load of supplies for the space station.
Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my international book tour. It is so exciting. On March 23, I’ll be telling outrageous stories, passing out flapjacks, and signing copies of my book at the International House of Pancakes in Embarrass, Minnesota. This appearance will be followed by stops at the IHOPs in Mosquitoville, Vermont, and Intercourse Pennsylvania on the 25th and 27th. Wish me luck – I’m going to need all I can get.
I have some questions about the beach that have been bothering me for a while. When we see a surfer wipe out, and then emerge from the waves floating next to their board, why do we always cheer? Why do they call those nasty biting flies, horseflies? Is it because some of them are so big, they have jockeys riding on their backs? Why, when I’m peacefully reclining under a massive umbrella, do people with PETA and Greenpeace tee-shirts always surround me, yell one-two-three, then proceed to roll me down the sloping beach into the roiling surf? Why, after this enormous and strenuous effort, do they always cheer, as a strong and dangerous rip current swiftly takes me far out to sea? How come whenever I approach the water, I start hearing the theme music from the movie Jaws? Why, when I get close to the roiling surf, does it always chase me back up the beach? As it pursues me, why do I run up the beach like a little girl screaming hysterically? What’s sand made of, and how come two months later, I still find it in my butt crack?
I have two cats of my own, and wouldn’t give them up for the world; but to be honest, they’re really messed up. I read that cats were tamed and domesticated about eight thousand years ago in ancient Mesopotamia. I find it pretty incredible that after eight thousand years as man’s constant companion, we still can’t get them to fetch the paper. Does anyone out there have a cat that will actually listen to you? Do me a favor. If your cat is near you right now; tell him or her to do something. It doesn’t have to be something complex, like a head stand, or a triple twisting somersault in the pike position. Just tell them to come to you. Didn’t move a muscle, did they? Now, why don’t you go get an electric can opener and turn it on. “Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.” Hmmmmm….. that’s interesting. Your cat seems to be following you. He’s also purring, isn’t he?
Did you know, Chinese buffet workers appear to have no concept of age? I’m serious. It’s one of those great mysteries, which has baffled the best scientists and philosophers for untold ages. Maybe it’s because people of Asian descent never seem to age. They look the same when their fifteen or when they’re fifty. It must be all the vegetables they eat. The reason I mention this is, every buffet has a reduced price for children under twelve. I was twenty-two before they stopped asking me how old I was. I should have said, “Excuse me miss, but I’m six-feet four and have a beard. That may just give you a tiny clue I’m at least fourteen.” You could be sixty, have gray hair, walk with a cane, and have an AARP membership card taped to your forehead, and chances are they’ll still ask your age.
The first diet, I’m sure will be a big success. I call it the “Kindergartner Diet.” A few years ago, I had heard a comedian talking about how young children always tell the truth. In his routine he said, “Did you ever notice how children are always so brutally honest? If a small child of four or five tells you you’re ugly, then you’re ugly! You better lose twenty pounds, visit a plastic surgeon, and if all else fails, buy some paper bags.” I took that comic’s advice to heart. My diet involves volunteering in a daycare, or a kindergarten class for maybe three or four weeks. Imagine, some of the innocent, and yet honest comments I’ll hear, and use to motivate myself to lose weight. Some of the things, I may hear from young, and innocent pre-adolescents may include, “Mister, you’re fatter than my daddy. Excuse me mister, Mrs. Smith says you’re so fat, because you probably ate a horse. Mister, do you work at a circus?” Get the idea? I’m already starting to feel my metabolism increasing, my appetite being suppressed, and those stubborn pounds beginning to melt away.
Do you know what’s really scary? Have any of you been at the Department of Motor Vehicles lately? If you have, did you notice anything strange? If you answered that it resembled the alien bar scene from the original Star Wars movie, you got it right. Do they give licenses to anybody? My fifteen-year-old son went in with me the last time I renewed my license, and now he’s afraid to drive. After looking around, he turned to me and said, “Dad, if it’s okay with you. I don’t mind waiting until I’m thirty to drive.” What are the requirements to get a driver’s license? Are there even any? I think there are only three. You need to be bipedal, which means you walk on two legs. You have to have at least one eye. I think you get bonus points on your test if you have more than two. The final requirement is, you must have been born after the Civil War. That’s it! I don’t even think being human is on the list.