I just came across some of my old tweets from at least six years ago, but probably longer. They were written when the maximum characters allowed, were still at 140. I’ve decided to post a few of them as a change from my normal routine of writing simple observations of everyday life. I’ll be back to posting a new, and hopefully humorous, short story tomorrow. Please do me a favor, and keep the groans to a minimum. I did enough for all of us, when I put this post together. Some of my one-liners may be a little corny, but remember; I was just, tentatively entering the frightening world of writing, and trying to develop my own unique comedic style. At the time, I attempted to pull some humor, from deep inside myself. Maybe, I should have dug just a little deeper.
My insurance agent said, I should think about burial insurance. I said, “Why would I need it? My wife said she’ll do it for free.”
I was cleaning out the back of my car when a woman said; “You have a lot of junk in your trunk.” Tell me; is my car messy, or do I have an enormous posterior?
I had a woman hit me in the nose with a bell. When the police came, and asked her if she knew me. She said, “No, but his face does ring a bell.”
My wife always likes to talk to me right after making love; so she got me a new cell phone with unlimited anytime minutes.
I met a girl who wanted to be a “friend with benefits.” It seemed strange, but I thought, what the heck. So I put her on my insurance.
Scientists crossed a bad tempered man with a pair of pants. I don’t know what they got, but if you don’t wash him right, he comes apart at the seams.
I found out last week that they actually have life insurance for kids. I guess that explains why my son keeps a baseball bat under his pillow.
My wife accidentally put starch on my pancakes rather than powdered sugar. I’m pretty tough; so I ate it all with a stiff upper lip.
My mother-in-law not only got my goat, but I think she cooked him and served him to me for dinner. I’m mad, but he wasn’t too baaaaaahhd.
I went bird hunting and saw a mallard reclining in an easy chair by a lake. What the heck? This is too easy. Why, he’s just a sitting duck.
A Russian guy somehow managed to train a rodent and a feline to play chess together. Wow; it must be an exciting game of cat and mouse.
The kids at school keep taunting me by saying, “Teacher’s pet, teacher’s pet.” I swear, when I get off this treadmill, I’m going to gnaw the heck out of someone.
Every morning, my wife wakes me up, and says, “You’re lazy, you’re ugly, and I hate you.” I guess she must be giving me a rude awakening.
Did you hear that they crossed a canine with a lawyer? I don’t know exactly what they got, but he sure is, a pretty good ambulance chaser.
I found a lamp and a Genie gave me three wishes. I’m now dependable, deliver in bed, and my wife loves me. Hey, I look like the mailman!
Sometimes, getting married is like wandering into a desert. At first it looks great, but you soon realize it’s going to be a long, slow and painful death.
My wife called the police, and they found me hanging on the wall where our wedding picture used to be. All I could say was “I was framed.”
Police were investigating why a man fell into a machine at a jigsaw puzzle factory. Detectives said his body was just one more piece of the puzzle.
Things are really tough. I’m having trouble keeping my head above water. I can’t believe my wife tied concrete blocks to my ankles.
What do you get when a priest dresses up in a Halloween costume? You get a blessing in disguise.
My wife and I were arguing about the past. I said, “Please don’t open up a can of worms.” She said, “I have to. That’s what’s for dinner tonight.”
I made the mistake of going to a restaurant for cannibals. I realized things weren’t quite right, when my waiter asked how he could serve me.
I lost on the “Wheel of Fortune” show. I just couldn’t concentrate, because I needed to buy a vowel, but I had to take a “Pee.”
I heard scientists managed to cross a mathematician with twenty karate students. I don’t know what they got, but they now have safety in numbers.
Did this ever happen to you? I fell into a lens grinding machine at an eye-wear factory. It appears that I made a spectacle of myself.
My doctor told me that I have one foot in the grave. I might survive, but my wife has to stop dragging the other foot forward.
I had frog legs at a restaurant, and now I feel guilty. I keep thinking about all those poor little frogs rolling around in those tiny wheelchairs
Genetic scientists have crossed a lady of the evening with a Nun. She doesn’t have to turn tricks anymore, but she still does it out of habit.
My wife really got some dirt on me this time. She even tamped it down pretty good. I’m not so sure, I can dig myself out this time.
My plastic surgeon said he could make me look like a movie star. I have something that’s been bothering me. Jack Black’s a movie star; right?
I had a kick-boxing match with a guy who they say was a liar. They told me he was also two-faced. I lost. I didn’t know which face to punch.
A famous maestro of a major orchestra was leading an outdoor performance, and lightening hit him. I guess he really was a good conductor.
I got sick once. It was so bad, the doctors said I was at death’s door. Do you know what my wife did? She knocked, and rang the doorbell.
I’ve learned a lot of hard lessons over the years. One, is to never dry change in an oven. I did, and now I have money burning a hole in my pocket.
I fell into a loom at a knitting factory. The foreman ran over, took one look, and said, “Wait a minute, I think I see a pattern developing here.”
A guy ran a red light, smashed into me, got out of his car, and told me I was ugly. I guess he was adding insult to injury.
Has this ever happened to you? I was set up with a blind date. She reached out, gently stroked the contours of my face and then said, “Wow, you’re really ugly.”
Police found a man with a head wound, and his wife with a triangular burn mark. It seems they were trying to iron out their differences.
I got in a crazy bar fight over a woman wearing nothing but a bra and panties. It was worth it though. It was one heck of a barroom bra.
A great white shark was caught with a full set of golf clubs in its stomach. I never thought I’d get to say this – but a Shark ingested putters.
I asked my wife if her five ex-husbands were dead and buried. She said they were all buried, but she wasn’t sure if the 5th one was dead yet.
I took a flight, and got charged $50.00 for what they call an “emotional surcharge.” They told me that I was carrying a lot of excess baggage.
I heard, scientists crossed a photographer with Rocky Balboa. I don’t want to be too negative, but the guy seems to be taking a lot of head shots.
What do you get if you cross a priest with a police detective? I’m not too sure, but he can sure get confessions out of suspects.
I got drunk, and woke up with a new wife. I could barely open my eyes, but she was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Oh my God – I married a squirrel!