If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you already know three things. I’m extremely self-conscious when it comes to my own personal nakedness, I have no doubt that other people would not appreciate seeing me au natural, and I’ve always believed that it’s incredibly cruel to scare small children. If you’re not familiar with the words, “Au Natural,” I think it’s French for “Patrick Dykie – please do not take off your clothes.” That being said; I have the greatest respect for people who are brave enough to throw away their inhibitions, go against societal norms, are comfortable with their own bodies, and embrace a lifestyle most of us, including me, would not choose.
As I normally do: I thoroughly research the subjects I present in my simple observations of everyday life posts. I learned some interesting facts about what’s commonly called, “the naturalist, or clothing optional lifestyle.” Growing up, I would often hear stories of nudist camps or colonies, located in isolated areas, far from civilization. Today there are nude resorts, retirement communities, cruises, and even clothing optional bed and breakfast establishments. I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that last ones, such a good idea. It would be quite an eye opener in the morning, before you’ve had your first cup of java. What do you say to the unclothed gentleman next to you, who looks like a yak, and doesn’t, as per proper etiquette, politely place a large napkin in his lap. “Excuse me sir, but could you please pass me the syrup? What the heck – ahh – that’s okay, I think I’ll just have the coffee.”
Have any of you, ever been to a nude beach? Of all the places in the world; I would think a beach would be the least comfortable location, for someone with 100% skin exposure. Let’s see. You have hot sand with an ambient temperature, of at least one hundred and fifty degrees Fahrenheit, crabs, jelly fish, sand fleas, hungry, hot dog loving seagulls with razor-sharp beaks, and horseflies so big – they have jockeys riding on their backs. I would think that the only creatures which would love a nude beach would be the hundreds of ravenous sharks congregating off shore. If you could read a shark’s mind you might hear something like this. “Hey Burt. It looks like we may have hit the jack pot. I just saw a sign that said, “clothing optional.” You know how I hate it, when that fifty-fifty, polyester-cotton swimwear gets stuck in my teeth. When you come up on them in the water, just be sure to close your eyes. Take it from me – it ain’t a pretty sight.”
I was wondering about something. Have any of you ever seen a nude person run? I haven’t, though I doubt they would set any world records in the 100 meter dash. It has to be uncomfortable, especially for guys. I sometimes sprint from the shower to the hall closet for a bar of soap, and back again. My first thought afterward is always, “Wow, that didn’t feel quite right. My legs were going in one direction, and everything else was going somewhere else. I’m amazed, I managed to keep my balance.” Why do you think someone invented things like athletic supporters, bras, and those tight-fitting fruit of the loom white underwear? I don’t think that nature wanted us to be naked. There are immutable laws of physics such as the force of gravity on everything, including our bodies. The universal laws of motion, show us that unrestrained objects, once set in motion will remain in motion. I’m not positive, but in physics, doesn’t the law of relativity state that we should never, and I mean never; see our relatives naked?
Did you ever wonder how those who choose a clothing free lifestyle, survive in the unforgiving great outdoors? Do they remortgage their homes to buy enough extra strength, mosquito repellant? All I know is, if I go on a camping trip, I’ll completely cover myself with a gallon of bug spray, wear a hat, pants, and a long-sleeve shirt; even then, I still come home looking like I fell into a nest of killer bees. I’m not sure I’d want to face the rugged landscape, poison ivy, voracious insects, unpredictable elements. and possibly a hungry bear, with a Live Strong bracelet as my only attire.
Do you know, you can now go on nude cruises? Quick – sign me up! I guess there would be some advantages to taking, what many in the naturalist community call a “Nucation,” which is short for a nude vacation. You would definitely save time on packing your luggage. I was informed you should bring only, the “bare necessities.” This would include, a toothbrush, twenty pounds of sunscreen, flip-flops, a hat, and a large, thick towel; just in case you happen to run into Mrs. Thompson, your old eleventh grade Spanish teacher, who you had a crush on. If you do go on a nude cruise, be sure to visit the all you can eat nude buffet, the casino, and the costume party. Just be aware that you may not feel like eating very much, should avoid jumping up and down when you hit big on the slot machines, and realize that everyone at the costume party, are all wearing the same thing – a birthday suit.
Before I move on to another simple observation of everyday life, I have a few questions. We’ve all seen the signs outside businesses that say, “no shoes, no shirt, no service.” Do places that cater to clothing optional clientele, have signs at the entrance that say, “No shoes, no shirt, no pants, no problem?” Who applies those gallons of sunscreen to all those hard to reach places on the human body? Do nudists remember the eye color of all the people they meet? Do nude resorts, and other naturalist venues feature such activities as dodgeball, bicycle riding, and flag football? If they do; are there skilled and dedicated medical personnel available? What type of dancing do nudists do? I could accept slow dances, and maybe even a skilled and dazzling foxtrot, waltz, or possibly an exciting and fantastic salsa. To be honest; I’m not sure any human being should witness a totally nude rendition of Achy Breaky Heart, the Macarena, or the Chicken Dance. Finally, here’s the most important question. Do you think, if I decided to forgo my extreme modesty, visited a nude beach and disrobed; would all the sunbathers jump up, quickly dress, and run off the beach?
Though I respect people’s personal lifestyles, I hope nudity doesn’t become the norm in America. I’ve always believed that wearing clothes was a sign of being civilized. Attire is what separates humans from other creatures. I was watching one of those Planet of the Apes movies the other night. There was an entire planet of civilized, technologically advanced, and intelligent chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans. Do you know something? They were all wearing clothing!