This morning after shaving, I took a good like at my face and head. Like most middle-aged men, I’m starting to see the inevitable, and rapid transfer of massive quantities of hair follicles, from the top of my cranium, to every other part of my body. Except for the palms of my hands, the soles of my feet, my lips, and of course the top of my head; lush, thick, and vibrant hair continues to grow, and flourish. This is especially true on my back, my eyebrows, and the inside of my nose and ears. Luckily, the hair on my head is only receding, so the worst thing I’m facing right now, is a thirteen-inch forehead. It’s funny, but years ago we used to call men with long hair, hippies. Today we call them – lucky!
After meticulously counting all the strands of hair, I found on my comb, and then comparing it to the amount that was left on the top of my head, I thought to myself. “Patrick Dykie – why don’t you just give up your valiant battle with time, shave your head completely, and face the future with pride and dignity?” Actually, I can answer that question very easily. Because, I have an ugly, hideous, and malformed head, that looks like a big ball of misshapen Play Doh, that’s why. If I shave off what’s left of my hair, you have the makings of a terrifying horror flick. There are some men like Vin Diesel, LL Cool J, and the Rock, that look great, bald. Heck, if I looked like them, I’d shave my head in the next five minutes. Many bald men, have natural good looks, rugged handsomeness, and an air of extreme confidence. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them.
I decided to do some research on hair. Modern society, not only has an incredible fascination with hair, but also a love hate relationship with it. I don’t know about you, but I love soft, silky, lustrous long hair. I like the feel of it, the look, the texture, and the smell of freshly washed tresses. I think this is true for most of us. I have a few questions, though. Have any of your ever found a piece of hair in a bowl of soup, slowly pulled a long length from your meatloaf or other food, or ingested one from the lip of a cup you were drinking from? Did you ever get a piece of hair in your mouth, even if it was still attached to your spouse, partner, or significant other’s head? What happened? Did you spit it out, gag, and go totally nuts? I’ve always wondered why the feel of hair in our mouths is so horrifying. I think it has to do with what I call, “Lunch lady Syndrome.” It’s a psychological reaction to memories from our childhood, buried deep in our subconscious. They are embedded recollections of when we would often find long, white hairs, most likely deposited in our food, by old lady McDougal; the hair net wearing matriarch of our worst lunchtime nightmares.
During my meticulous study of hair, I found some interesting facts. Do you know that the estimated cost of maintaining the hair on our heads in America, including: hair care products, combs, haircuts, styling, various grooming and drying devices, coloring, and special treatments, is almost fifty billion dollars a year? Here’s a few facts you probably don’t know. Men spend over a billion dollars a year, trying to either grow hair on their heads, slow the process of gradual baldness, or to cover their head with fake hair. This huge expenditure of money involves: hair restoring shampoos, hairpieces, lotions, pills, and follicle transplants. While men are desperately trying to regrow hair, women on the other hand are spending billions a year on hair removal via shaving, waxing, and laser treatments. Key areas targeting for depilation are: the upper lip, legs, underarms, chins, eyebrows, arms, and bikini lines. This may sound like a pretty simple solution to a complex problem, but couldn’t men and women negotiate some type of equitable trade. Balding men, could start doing chores around the house, and women could provide them with tons of healthy, discarded hair. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s worth a try.
There are a few things about hair, that I’ve always wondered about. Why, does hair stop growing, begins to thin, and eventually falls out of many men’s heads, yet, seems to continue to flourish on other parts of the body? Does anyone know, why men wake up one morning around the age of forty, and the hair that once completely covered their head, has packed up and moved to their backs, ears, nasal passages, and eyebrows? I’ve often asked myself, how does a man know that he may have passed the limit for excessive hair on his body. Here’s a few things that might give you a clue. Were you ever in a horrific car accident, had your air-bag fail, but still survived? Did the doctors tell you, your incredibly thick layer of chest and back hair cushioned the impact, and saved your life? Did you ever sneeze, and now have a mustache, and matching goatee? During the winter, have you ever been complimented on your thick, warm, and quite stylish ear muffs, but you weren’t wearing any? Does the inside of your nose look like an automatic car wash? Do you save money on costumes for Halloween by disrobing and trick or treating in the nude? And finally; do total strangers, throw balls in front of you, while yelling, “go fetch?”
Before I move on to another simple observation of everyday life; I want to tell you about a recent poll of 18-45-year-old women, involving, not only excess body hair on men, but views on men who were completely bald. The questions asked of the women, focused particularly on a preponderance of hair on the face, and a lack of hair on the top of the head. The results concluded that totally bald men were perceived as being stronger, more dominant and having greater masculinity than men with a full head of hair. The poll also, conclusively determined that a majority of women preferred men without beards, and 76% stated that large quantities of ear and nose hair, were a deal breaker when it came to any type of romantic involvement. Do you know what I find slightly disturbing about this poll? It’s not that 76% of respondents were totally turned off by men who looked like they had Chia Pets inserted into their ears and noses. It’s the fact that somewhere, out there are 24% of the women in this particular poll, who don’t mind men who look like they have shrubs protruding from their ears and nasal passages. Personally, I think we need to track them down, and get some phone numbers. For all you men out there, who like me, are going bald, and going through three or four nose-hair clippers, and two dozen AA batteries per week, I have some good news. There is hope my friends – yes, there is definitely hope.
Sorry, I almost forgot one other thing. Do you know those handsome elderly gentlemen you see once in a while, who have heads, completely covered in extremely thick white hair? A study was performed to determine why they had not been cursed with a thinning of their hair. Results were inconclusive, but in all, cases the men had never been married, or had any children.