A few weeks ago, the Powerball Lottery jackpot in my state, had reached close to half a billion dollars. I played a few tickets, and as I often do; daydreamed of being the sole winner of hundreds of millions of life-changing dollars. I went online, and started checking out some of the high-priced real estate that might fulfill the simple needs and tastes, of a down to earth man, who has worked his entire life. I also looked at a few modern vehicles, to possibly cruise my old neighborhood in style, as I waved at some of my former neighbors, who had made my life miserable. I guess, it would be wise to hire a personal chauffeur. I wouldn’t think a man of such extreme wealth, should have to drive himself to his job each day, and deal with rush-hour traffic, inconsiderate drivers, and frequent incidents of road rage. Oh, just so you know. I was joking about the work thing. I would not only not work, but probably buy up my old company, and fire my boss.
Perusing listings for suitable mansions in appropriate, and exclusive neighborhoods, I came across a lovely house in Hollywood, California, that recently went on the market for a reasonable 195 million dollars. The breathtaking property, sits amidst 25 acres of beautifully landscaped, and well-maintained land that features a fully operational vineyard. The house itself, is approximately 53,000 square feet of luxurious living space. The contemporary home, with many modern amenities, features a 15,000-square foot entertainment center, a bowling alley, Turkish spa, Olympic-size swimming pool, a 3000-bottle wine cellar, 16 fireplaces, 12 bedrooms, and 23 bathrooms.
Hey, wait a minute. That can’t be right. Did I just say twenty-three bathrooms? Unless you’re a multi-platinum selling rapper, with an enormous entourage of burrito lovers, or a billionaire with a severe bladder problem – that seems like a little bit of overkill to me. That’s almost two bathrooms for every bedroom! If you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, are half asleep, and slightly disoriented; does it ensure you have options, and don’t inadvertently end up doing your business in a closet? Do you have at least twenty-three cats roaming your mansion, so you always step on at least one, as you stumble into one of the bathrooms at two in the morning?
Any type of house with twenty-three bathrooms, brings up a lot of questions. Does any normal human being, or family really need that many bathrooms? Do the multi-millionaires and billionaires, actually use them, or are they there, just to brag about to friends while watching sports on their six hundred and eighty-inch, big screen TV? Does the mansion’s owner have a plumber on staff who lives in the basement? Do you need nine hundred magazine subscriptions for reading materials, and tractor-trailer deliveries of scrubbing bubbles, toilet paper, and those round chlorine tablets you drop in the tank? Do you have six thousand dollar quarterly water bills? What do you do if a quest asks to use your bathroom? Do you even know where they all are? Do you have a stack of meticulous directions nearby, that you hand out, or do you just say, “Pick any door; chances are, you’ll find one pretty quick.”
Have any of you, ever been in a billionaire’s bathroom? I guess, most of us average, working class people wouldn’t have a chance, unless we were delivering pizzas, couldn’t hold it, and the billionaire took pity on us because we were fifty, and wearing a silly Dominoes hat. If you did use one – what are they like? Can you pick up similar toilets, sinks, and vanities at your local Home Depot, or does the bathroom look like the inside of the International Space Station? Do astronauts come floating by, in zero gravity with reading material in one hand, and glasses of Tang in the other? Are there extremely sophisticated robots nearby that hand out gold-encrusted, five-ply toilet paper, while vocalizing, “TP, sir? Do not forget to wipe.”
Here’s the most important question. Who cleans the bathrooms? Is there a highly skilled crew of a dozen experts on hand, twenty-four hours a day, or is there just one, hard-working, recent immigrant from Central America, named Maria. If there’s just her, I hope she got a fantastic Christmas bonus this past year. You’d have to be a very special person to clean twenty-three bathrooms. I have only two in my house, and it almost killed me to clean them last week. Imagine, meticulously scrubbing, and thoroughly cleaning a bathroom for two hours, and then being told you only have twenty-two more to go!
What would make it worse is, I don’t think billionaires really care what they do in their twenty-three bathrooms. After drinking two or three $30,000 bottles of wine, ingesting a pound or two of expensive caviar, and yelling at poor, over-worked servants carrying massive trays of hors d’oeuvres; do you really think they care what they do in the bathroom? I doubt they’re thinking, “I better make sure I don’t miss, use the bathroom spray with the lavender scent, wipe off the sink, and be sure to flush. Poor, overworked and underpaid Maria, will be cleaning bathrooms tomorrow.” It’s probably more like, “I can’t believe that minimum wage servant had the audacity to bump my Armani suit with the edge of her tray. Do you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go into every one of my twenty-three bathrooms, and go totally nuts. By the time I’m done, it will look like a troop of chimpanzees were using the facilities.”
I guess I better move on to another simple observation of everyday life. It looks like I’m going to be living in my simple, but comfortable abode, and cleaning my two bathrooms myself for a while. I just checked my numbers for last night’s Powerball drawing, and I hit one number, plus the Powerball. That means I won seven dollars. On the bright side; Burger King has a special on Whoppers, and I’ll be eating like a king tonight. I’ll just have to keep playing the lottery, and dreaming about that huge mansion. If I do ever win the lottery, I can guarantee you this. I’ll have twenty-four bathrooms, will hire Maria at $200,000 dollars a year, will provide her with two assistants, and give her a months’ paid vacation every year. I will also, thank her every day for doing a great job, use no more than three of the bathrooms, and will make sure, I don’t forget to flush.