I was at Amazon Prime last week, looking for a unique gift for a friend’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I figured, he’d enjoy a funny tee-shirt with the words, “Just Kill Me, Please,” or maybe a frightening picture of the Grim Reaper, accompanied by, “Come Get Me, I’m Ready.” Do you know what else I found while perusing pictures of hilarious tee shirts? I didn’t think they still made them, but there are literally thousands of different his and her tee shirts for sale, in an endless variety of styles, colors, designs, and phrases. I was surprised they were still around. I thought matching tattoos, and body piercings, were the 21st centuries way of showing undying love, and endless devotion.
I was wondering if any of you guys out there, received the “His” half, of a matching pair of his and her tee-shirts, either as a birthday present, a Christmas gift, or just because she loves you? Have you worn it yet? More importantly, have you worn it while your significant other wore theirs? Did you go out in public together while wearing the tee-shirts? Did you stand side by side, in your matching tee shirts? Could you please raise your hand if you answered yes, to all these questions? Come on guys; there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just a silly tee-shirt, and you do love her with all your heart and soul, don’t you? I have one last question. Are you now, permanently living in an isolated and inaccessible log cabin in the Alaskan wilderness?
I’m man enough to admit that years ago, I wore a matching his and her tee-shirt. I remember it being some type of chartreuse colored, cotton tee. For all you guys who haven’t worn a his and her tee-shirt, that particular color is a light green. I know this, because….. I wore one! Emblazoned in huge blue letters across the front were the words, “I’m With Her.” It also had a picture of an arrow pointing to the right. My girlfriend’s shirt in its simple, yet horrific similarity said, “I’m With Him,” and had an arrow pointing to the left. I vividly remember having to always walk on her left side with my right arm around her shoulder. We had to be in that exact position, or the arrows would be pointing at other people. Heaven forbid, we became inadvertently separated and I had to walk next to Beyoncé all day, and explain to everyone how we hooked up at the Grammy’s.
I guess, it’s not an excuse, but the one time I wore the matching tee-shirt, I was young, madly in love, and not particularly bright. It was also that first time, butterflies in the stomach kind of love. I’m just glad, cell phone cameras and You-Tube videos hadn’t become so popular yet. If they had been, I just might be rooming with that guy up in Alaska.
Do you know they have his and her tee shirts for elderly couples? I saw a picture of a gentleman who seemed slightly lost and disoriented, as he wandered aimlessly around at a baseball game. He was wearing a tee-shirt that said, “If lost, return me to Betty.” What was obviously the man’s wife, was nearby, attired in a similar tee-shirt that said, “I’m Betty.” I don’t know what you think, but isn’t Betty a common name among older generations? What if, among a crowd of thousands, there’s twenty elderly gents wearing the same tee shirt, along with twenty Bettys? You could have total chaos, right? What if well meaning people start mixing and matching old men and Bettys, and Bettys and old men? Or worse yet, what if one of the Bettys gets five or six confused old men, and decides to take then all home with her? I’m starting to get a headache, just thinking about all the possible combinations. Who knows; you might just end up with an octogenarian – swinger’s club!
I also saw his and hers tee-shirts that had “I love my boyfriend,” and “I love my girlfriend,” on each respective shirt. This brings up a few questions. What if the guy wears it when he’s not with his girlfriend? Does this mean he’s off limits to other women, or is he totally insane, and a SWAT team needs to take him into custody for his own protection? What if you break up, half-way through a date? Do you have spare tee-shirts in your car that say either, “I hate the person I’m with,” or “I’m unattached, let’s party.”
Personally, my wife is the most important person in my life. I would do almost anything for her, but to be perfectly honest; I would rather be slowly barbecued alive over an open fire, than be seen in public, in matching his and her tee-shirts. Have any of you ladies, ever been walking with your significant other, while wearing tee-shirts that each had a half of a heart on them? They’re the ones that form a complete heart when you stand side by side. Were you ever shocked and surprised, when in a magical and unrehearsed moment, he took you in his arms, kissed you passionately, carried you gently into nearby bushes, and held you tightly in his arms for what seemed like hours? Ask yourself this question. Was he being extremely romantic, or did three of his buddies, just leave a local sports bar, and were rapidly approaching?
I have a little humble advice, for guys who are at this moment wearing one half of a his and her tee shirt. As a man who has worn matching tee-shirts, and survived; I’ve been where you are now. I also know she’s a wonderful person, and you love her with all your heart, but there’s other alternatives. Think of cuddling, candle light dinners, and romantic walks in the moonlight. It’s not too late to turn back. There’s still hope. I also know your dignity’s buried pretty deep. Don’t worry. I have two shovels. We can dig it up together. Please meet me at my house this Friday for a night of no limit poker, drinking, watching sports, and possibly some full contact rugby. Don’t worry about the rugby. It hurts a lot less than wearing that matching tee-shirt. To be fair; there are a few places and occasions where matching his and her tee-shirts may be worn under certain circumstances. They include: Halloween, when used as a costume, when you’re alone at home, in the privacy of your bedroom, inside an abandoned Antarctic research station, and on a far and distant, uninhabited planet.
I have to go now. My wife knew I was writing about his and her tee-shirts, and I think she’s messing with me. She just came home from shopping, and she bought two matching tee-shirts. One says I’m with stupid, and has an arrow pointing to the left side. The other one has the word “DUH” written in big, bold letters on it. I wonder which one’s for me?