Just a Walk in the Dark

 

Walk-3

I recently started a new job that requires me to leave for work, a few hours before the first rays of sunlight creep over the eastern horizon. This schedule, has forced me to take my dog, Chase, for long walks at three in the morning. We now venture out, in total, all-encompassing darkness, devoid of any comforting light. I didn’t think it would be, but it’s kind of spooky out there.

Like most people, I have a few fears. Once in a while I’ll have a terrifying nightmare, of being accidentally pushed by my wife from a cruise ship balcony. Frantically treading water in a deep and dangerous ocean, with unknown terrors lurking below, I’ll catch a glimpse of a huge dorsal fin, right before I feel skin as rough as sandpaper, brush against my pajama covered leg. Of course, like most men, I fear the other team throwing a hail-Mary pass with three seconds left in the super bowl, prostate exams, Sunday night dinners at my in-laws, and charging grizzly bears. Oh, I almost forgot another thing that may cause a few sleepless nights. How about charging mother-in-laws? Especially, after you refuse to finish the last of your fish-head casserole. Now, that’s scary. 

I don’t consider myself particularly brave, but I’m usually not afraid of my own shadow. I’ve never really believed in, or been scared by the thought of aliens, ghouls, werewolves, vampires, zombies or big foot. I guess, I kind of believe in ghosts, but I’ve never seen one, so I’m not sure if they would frighten me or not. I can tell you this. After almost twenty-three years of marriage, it takes a lot to really scare me.

I did learn something interesting the other morning, when Chase and I, went on our first nocturnal walk, on dark and solitary streets, hours before the first signs of life-giving sunshine, pushed back the darkness. As a grown man, I shouldn’t be afraid, but nighttime walks can be an unnerving, and spine-tingling experience. A quiet, safe, and familiar suburban neighborhood with nearby farms and patches of woodlands, transforms into a veritable house of horrors at three in the morning. Even Chase, was a little hesitant to step out of the garage, and face the night. He’s a little over a hundred pounds of bone and muscle, and usually fearless, but as I pulled on his lease, he seemed to be thinking, “No, I’m okay. I think I can hold it in for a few more hours. Besides, you never gave me a flashlight. Just turn around, have another cup of coffee, and relax. You got a big day ahead of you.”

What is it about a leisurely stroll in the dead of night that’s so incredibly creepy? As Chase and I, swiftly made our way down deserted sidewalks, we moved beneath a bright and eerie full moon, among the shifting shadows of towering elm trees, and amidst the sounds of thousands of nocturnal insects. Except for unknown night creatures rooting through garbage cans, the occasional fluttering bat, and a lone paper delivery man, who raced through empty streets as if fleeing some unknown horror, we were completely alone.

Even muggers, drug dealers, and other criminals, had abandoned the streets, and were probably home safe,  buried under piles of blankets, with night-lights left on to beat back the darkness. Our nocturnal walk was so hair-raising, when I finally got home, it took me at least half an hour to comb down the follicles on the back of my neck, before leaving for work.

I don’t know if it was my vivid imagination, or maybe my eyes were playing tricks with me in the dark, but I could have sworn, I caught fleeting glimpses of the misty, ethereal presence of floating ghosts. Out of the corner of my eye I may have even spotted stealthy aliens prowling the landscape, in search of test subjects for horrifying experiments, or possibly for mating opportunities. The nearby cemetery was filled with either, a reanimated corpse prowling among headstones in search of human flesh, or Mr. Grimley, the groundskeeper, getting an early start, preparing for the Peterson funeral.

Today, after getting home from work, I decided to write down a few things to possibly help other brave souls, who may be forced to face their own personal demons on early morning walks. Besides procuring a light and comfortable pair of running shoes, a dependable flashlight with spare batteries, and a steaming cup of strong, caffeine infused coffee, here are a few rules to remember, to ensure a safe return home.

If you hear an indeterminate and stealthy sound, somewhere in the impenetrable darkness, don’t loudly shout out, “Who’s there?” Not only will multiple porch lights go on around you, but the chances you’ll get an answer are pretty slim. Don’t expect to hear, “Sorry, it’s just me, Ed, the local crackhead. I was sneaking up on you with this two by four, in the hopes of possibly clubbing you senseless, taking your wallet, and scoring some drugs. I guess my answering you kind of ruins my plans, huh?”

You may even hear something you’re not prepared for, like,” This is death! I have come for you. That tightness in your chest isn’t indigestion from those twelve burritos you ate last night.” Even worse and more terrifying, you may hear a cold and dark, yet familiar voice from your deepest, darkest nightmares, whispering in an insidious, and heart-stopping voice, “This is your ex-wife Cheryl. I’ve come back to either, get back together, or emasculate you one more time.” Is it just me, or is it getting cold in here?

As you slowly meander off relatively safe sidewalks, onto roads abutted by woodlands or endless cornfields, do yourself a favor. Do not, and I mean this sincerely; do not shine your flashlight into the nearby forest, towering corn stalks, or trash strewn abandoned properties. Keep your weak and dying light firmly trained on the path ahead. If you do swing your light to one side, chances are you will see either glowing, evil red eyes, a huge fur-covered head with razor-sharp canines, a living, demonic scarecrow, or something so frightening and horrifying, I hesitate to even say it.

I made the mistake of panning my flashlight out into a small grassy area next to a pond that lies across from an old farmhouse, located at the far end of my development. I caught a fleeting, but shocking glimpse of old man McDougal and his wife, Bernice, celebrating sixty years of wedded bliss with a late-night skinny-dipping session in the cool clear water of their fish pond. I’m not ashamed to say that what I saw will haunt me for months!

For all of you brave men and women out there, who are forced to trek the lonely, frightening, and dark nether world with a study plastic bag, and a pooper scooper clutched firmly in your hands, I have some final words of advice. If your dog stops, remains perfectly still, begins a low guttural growl, then proceeds to whimper pitifully, breaks free from his leash, tucks his tail between his legs, and races for home; For the love of God, please follow him – and don’t look back.

 

About Patrick Dykie

I'm a simple, middle class family man, living a quiet life in eastern Pennsylvania. As you can see from my picture, I just became a first-time grandfather. I love to write, not only to make people laugh, but also to make them think, and ponder their life and existence. I was trying to be a full-time writer, but have recently returned to work to fend off those pesky bill collectors. I've faced some things over the past few years, including health problems that have slowed me down in my dreams, but I'm back, healthy, and writing again. I will be self-publishing a book titled, "Simple Observations," in the next few months. It is similar to my blog , except the stories are a bit longer. I'll keep you updated on its status. I've recently started a new blog called, "A Love of Writing." You can access it from my "Simple Observations of Everyday Life" blog, along with my "Authors Site." Thank you for visiting my sites. It's greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy your visit.
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18 Responses to Just a Walk in the Dark

  1. Garfield Hug says:

    Wow! You wake up at 3am to walk your dog! I hope your country’s streets are safe in those hours. In Singapore where I live it is safe. Please take care and may your dog protect you. All the best in your new job😃

    Like

  2. Ha! It’s scary out there – watch out for the sagging flesh!

    Like

  3. Simply Z says:

    So many emotions in this post! Mostly, I laughed out loud, but I did feel a little unnerved at times. Loved this! 🙂

    Like

  4. Ha ha, Patrick, another fabulous post. I would not dream of walking outside after dark, South Africa is not the safest place in the world. I don’t even like sitting outside in the garden after nightfall and it is not ghouls and ghosts that scare me either [wink].

    Like

    • I’m glad you liked the story. Where I live is pretty safe. Besides, even if it wasn’t, I don’t have any money to steal, and I sometimes wish, aliens would kidnap me, and take me away. Be sure to keep yourself safe. There are a lot of children who would miss those books, and many adults depending on baking tips. Take care.

      Like

  5. There are so many funny moments in this post, I don’t even know where or how to begin. Your fears all make sense. I understand them. But to have that one come true, the couple spending their anniversary in the pond… oh my! It’s a surprise to hear you made it home safely.

    And why is your wife thinking about pushing your overboard? Even if just in your dreams / nightmares. How does she feel about that one? LOL

    Seriously, this was hysterical. I am heading for the train in a bit but I will have to re-read this one again. :0

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  6. nrhatch says:

    I’m glad I read this first thing in the morning and not just before bed.

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  7. Hi Patrick. Truth be told, I was back from church, napped for an hour and this is the first thing I’ve read now that I’m awake. As soon as I saw your article on the Reader, I brewed myself a nice cup of coffee and sat to read, coz I knew this was going to be good. And you never disappoint. I don’t know how you do it. But you do. This was so very funny, it literally tickled me. Sorry, if I’m rambling. You’ve just put me in a very good mood for the rest of the day 🙂

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    • I’m gad I put you in a good mood. It’s now 8:00 am here, so my day is just starting. I posted this late last night, and then went back to sleep. I always appreciate your visits and your comments. I’ll try to put out another strange, goofy, and lighthearted story in two days. Thanks again.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. ivors20 says:

    Its late Sunday afternoon here, and I’m just back from walking my 7 pound beast Lily. Reading your delightful story and giggling to myself, as exactly at this moment, I’m listening to Bob’s “Rainy Day Woman” hehe, “They’ll stone you when You’re all alone”, wishing you all the best with your future early morning dog walking activities.

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