Naked…..And…..Afraid?

Naked

Have any of you ever watched a reality television series called, “Naked and Afraid?” It just started its seventh season, and can be seen on the Discovery Channel. Each episode of the show, chronicles the life and death struggles of a man and a woman, given the formidable task of surviving for twenty-one days in a harsh and inhospitable, dangerous, and unforgiving environment without food, shelter, water or clothing. Wow, until I got to the clothing part, I thought they were talking about a twenty-one day visit to my in-laws. Now, that would be one heck of a survival show.

Spending twenty-one days, with a complete stranger in a nightmarish scenario of limited food, undrinkable water, little protection from the elements, and total nudity has to be tough. To be honest; I could probably survive being naked, and I might just withstand being afraid, but not both at the same time. That would be like taking a nice, relaxing bath, falling asleep, and then waking to the sight of your spouse standing next to the tub, holding a plugged-in toaster in their outstretched arms.

I’m not exactly sure, but I think the last time, I was both naked and afraid, was way back in my 9th grade gym class. I remember, I was running late, just exited the shower, had forgotten my towel, was running towards my locker, turned a corner, and ran directly into Mrs. Gundermeir my gym instructor. Before any of you say, “what’s so bad about that;” I have just five things to say, “1972 – East German – Olympics – Shot put champion – mustache.”

I’m not ashamed to say, I’m not really comfortable being naked. I would find it extremely difficult to have millions of people staring at my every move while surviving 21 days in nothing, but my birthday suit. Have you ever heard someone say that “the human body is a magnificent, and beautiful work of art?” Well, whoever said that, never saw me naked! Personally, I think women are much more attractive when devoid of attire. My wife without clothes, is like a fine Italian sports car; sleek and smooth with nothing but curves, and fine lines. I, on the other hand could be accurately described as a, “Monster Truck.” I’m not very pretty, make a lot of noise, and scare the living daylights out of little children. On the positive side, I’m functional, and I get the job down.

If you watched the show, you know that the two survivalists, are given a preliminary PSR, or primitive survival rating, based on previous survival training, fitness and skill, experience, and mental toughness. They are then driven or brought by boat to the area they must survive in, where they completely disrobe, before meeting their partner, and beginning their adventure. It should be noted that if, either survivalist loses their balance,  and falls out of the boat or truck on the way to the rendezvous, their PSR will drop dramatically. Before I continue, I have a warning for all of you who may suffer from “Pugophobia,” also known as an extreme fear of buttocks. If you do decide to watch the show; be prepared to see, more large and exposed booty than you’ll see on any rapper’s MTV music video.

Episodes of the show, have been filmed in such places as: the Florida Everglades, Malaysia, Panama, Nicaragua, and a Louisiana bayou. If they really want to make an installment of the show, in an incredibly desolate and frightening site that will test the survival skills of even the toughest and most resilient men and women, they should film someplace that most of us have personally experienced. How does this sound? “Naked and Afraid – New York City Subway System,” Unless, you’ve lived in New York City your entire life, I don’t see many people surviving 21 minutes naked there, let along 21 days! On the bright side, you wouldn’t get your purse or wallet stolen. Just make sure if you’re a guy, you don’t try hurdling the subway turnstiles. It could be very painful.

I have to admit, when I heard about the show, I thought to myself, “Wow, it might be pretty cool spending three weeks with an attractive woman in some exotic location while totally naked.” After the first episode, I realized there might be a few minor problems. First of all, nothing of a sexual nature is ever going to happen. As part of the show, cameramen follow you around constantly, and take thousands of shots of either your exposed posterior, or your front covered in nothing, but a strategically placed, small, indigenous plant which ultimately turns out to be ten times worse than poison ivy! Did I mention the woman doesn’t have access to a cell phone, or any type of social media for twenty-one days? I figure that would make for quite a bit of personal conversation, at all hours of the day and night.

Here’s another thing I thought about. Have any of you ever had your wife, spouse, or partner roll over at 3:00 am on a freezing cold night, and ask you if you wanted to do some spooning? Now, imagine they’ve been living in a hot and humid jungle for over fifteen days without a shower, mouthwash or deodorant. They’re also encased in thick layers of dirt and grime, covered in thousands of bug bites, and you’ve just spent an hour pulling dozens of blood-sucking leeches off of them! Not very romantic, huh?

I have a few observations to make, and some unanswered questions concerning, “Naked and Afraid.” Participants, always end up losing large percentages of fat and body weight during the grueling ordeal. It seems the most successful survivalists are the ones who show up looking like the spokesperson for Old Country Buffet. If you start the 21 days looking like you live on bottled water and carrots, and just finished running a marathon, you have a hard road ahead of you.

How come the survivalists can never find any food, let alone significant sources of protein, yet the cameramen are always filming veritable banquets of indigenous animals? Sometimes, I yell at the TV screen, and say, “For the love of God man, are you blind? The guy with the camera just filmed a herd of wild pigs, two or three snakes, numerous birds, a big, fat lizard, and what is possibly the golden arches of a local McDonalds.” Do you think the cameramen ever tease the hungry, naked people by eating their lunch in front of them? I’ve seen the contestants cover themselves in mud to fend off the painful bites of thousands of hungry mosquitoes, and other ravenous insects. How come it never works in stopping the onslaught? Do they at least get back to civilization, and find that they have smooth, soft, and wrinkle free skin?

Before I go, there is one other thing I’ve noticed. After intently watching multiple episodes of the show, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single roll of toilet paper. I don’t know about you, but that’s what I call, naked and afraid.

About Patrick Dykie

I'm a simple, middle class family man, living a quiet life in eastern Pennsylvania. As you can see from my picture, I just became a first-time grandfather. I love to write, not only to make people laugh, but also to make them think, and ponder their life and existence. I was trying to be a full-time writer, but have recently returned to work to fend off those pesky bill collectors. I've faced some things over the past few years, including health problems that have slowed me down in my dreams, but I'm back, healthy, and writing again. I will be self-publishing a book titled, "Simple Observations," in the next few months. It is similar to my blog , except the stories are a bit longer. I'll keep you updated on its status. I've recently started a new blog called, "A Love of Writing." You can access it from my "Simple Observations of Everyday Life" blog, along with my "Authors Site." Thank you for visiting my sites. It's greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy your visit.
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28 Responses to Naked…..And…..Afraid?

  1. I love your humour, Patrick. I have never heard of this show but, then, I never watch TV so that is not surprising. It sounds absolutely awful in my opinion.

    Like

    • Thanks for visiting. With all you do, I’m not surprised you don’t watch TV. Who would have the time. I only watch the show when the two survivalists hate each other. Then it’s often funny. There is so much concentration on being naked, and not enough on real survival skills to make it an interesting show.

      Like

  2. KathrinS says:

    Your 9th grade adventure sounds really awful!
    I sometimes wonder when people say women look better naked than men. Don’t know if I would agree, I actually think that men probably look better. (Funny, it’s usually men who say that, so maybe it’s a gender thing?)

    Kathrin — http://mycupofenglishtea.wordpress.com

    Like

  3. Aunt Beulah says:

    I knew nothing about this show, and even after your funny description of the participants and their perils, I think I’ll not watch it. It sounds too much like my first year teaching high school freshmen.

    Like

  4. T. A. Fuller says:

    Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can say, I’ve never watched an episode of this show/had only heard a bit about it, until I read this. It probably say something about me that now I know what the plot of the show is (which I now realize involves 21 days of survival in the woods), I want to watch it. Then again, it could have been the realization that the people are actually naked.

    Like

    • Thanks for coming by. From what I’m hearing, not many people have watched this show. I guess, I better sell my stock in the Discovery Channel. It is an interesting show, but it’s kind of like survivor, except no challenges, and no clothes. Most of the time the people sit around, complain, starve, and get eaten by bugs.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. You lost me at “reality television series.” The main reason my TV viewing habits have dropped by about a million percent since the turn of the century…

    On the other hand, your comment about the NYC subway system reminded me of an old, lost piece of ancient Chinese wisdom….. Confusius say: Man who go sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. nrhatch says:

    I saw about 5 minutes of one episode ~ a slow motion butt shot ~ and switched channels. Being in the wilderness for 21 days with a stranger and no toilet paper doesn’t appeal to me. Being naked for 21 days with a stranger in the wilderness ~> even less appeal.

    But reading about it on your blog = priceless! I feel I’ve been there, even if I didn’t get the t-shirt!

    Like

    • Thanks for taking the time to read the story, and commenting. I could never do it myself. I might even be the one person who falls out of the truck, and breaks his leg on the way to the shows location. Thanks again, and take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Jim says:

    so was it the mustache on the gym teacher??? and you don’t need TP in the wild when there are so many other things that you can use. just make sure that you can readily identify Poison Ivy and Poison Oak before you go. oh yeh. And be careful with what you use for TP if it’s a desert episode.

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    • I was waiting for a comment from you. I figure you’re a lot like me. We hear the work naked, and we perk up. Thanks for another enjoyable comment. Sometimes they’re more fun than the story. It wasn’t just the mustache. She could have set a new world record with me as a shot put. I happen to be immune to poison ivy and oak. I think it has to do with my playing in the woods as kid. The desert thing….. any suggestions?

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  9. Yikes, that is naked and afraid – not toilet paper!

    Interesting post. I have heard of the show, but never watched it.

    I agree with the whole NYC turnstile thing. I’ve been here my whole life (suburbs, then NYC) and surviving naked would be interesting.

    Thanks for a great share.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. colonialist says:

    Some uninhibited observations!
    Personally, I always have my doubts about reality shows because I can’t help remembering that there is a camera crew and loads of others in close attendance. ‘No, Seymour, don’t try and help save her from that anaconda; you’re just here to film it, right?’

    Liked by 1 person

    • I always say the same thing. They might have had one show near you in South Africa. I remember there being lions and hyenas. Someone with a big gun, had to be watching over them. Thanks. I always enjoy your comments

      Like

  11. I’ve never seen the show. I guess it is probably banned in my country. But it sounds scary. Even though I can’t relate to the show because I haven’t seen it, I could definitely relate to your writing. You kept it interesting from the get-go and had me engrossed all through. Fabulous!!! You really should be published.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. ivors20 says:

    Well, what a great read you had for us today Patrick. I’m not one that watches reality shows on TV, and your explanation of what they’re like, has totally confirmed for me, the dubious nature of these programs. And talking about Phobia’s, I think you might suffer from Gymnophobia, and at the end of your article, I also detected you might even suffer from Coprophobia as well.

    Like

    • Thanks for stopping by Ivor. You hit it right on the head with that first phobia. For a minute there, I thought it meant of fear of “Gyms.” That ones true too. As for the second, I have more of a fear called, NocomfortingTPaphobia. I wonder why there’s never been a “Naked and Afraid Australia.” Probably, because a naked person without shoes would get bitten within 5 minutes by some of the hundreds of nasty critters running around.

      Like

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