You’re Killing Me Man

 

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I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it seems every day we hear about something new that is slowly but surely killing us. Do you know that according to medical experts, microwave popcorn can cause severe respiratory distress, resulting in the possibility of death? When I was a kid we made popcorn on the stove, in a big pie plate covered in aluminum foil. We would shake it vigorously over a stove burner until it expanded into a huge mountain of popcorn. The only dangers we faced, where cracking our teeth on rock hard kernels, or losing an eye, when an exploding piece of popcorn flew out of the bag at the speed of a streaking meteorite. Now, we cook a bag in the microwave, and five minutes later the grim reaper shows up at our front door saying,

“I was just passing by, smelled butter, and figured I’d stop in just in case that darn popcorn kills you.”

Things used to be so much simpler. You had a limited list of things that would kill you, and you did your best to avoid them, or limit their intake. You didn’t smoke, drank alcohol in moderation, smoked weed only at Grateful Dead concerts, or when your mother-in-law was coming for a two-week visit, eliminated salt from your diet, and tried not to forget the date of your wedding anniversary. If you could do those things, you had a good chance of living a fairly long life.

These days, there are so many more things that can kill you. Do you know you can die from second-hand smoke? It’s true. Recent scientific studies have also shown that one billion Chinese factory workers, furiously puffing cigarettes on their five-minute lunch break is killing people on the other side of the world. You may not know this, but soda and snack vending machines can kill you. Since 1978, thirty-seven people have died from incidents involving these devices. Pretty terrible way to go, don’t you think? Imagine some, poor, starving, overworked guy with low blood sugar, who is forced to work through lunch by a demanding boss. Putting his last quarters into a snack machine, and then furiously shaking the darn thing to dislodge the last, stuck bag of Doritos, he is subsequently crushed when the machine topples over. Even worse; big Al from receiving, walks over, reaches down, and dislodges the bag from the hand protruding from under the vending machine.

I do have one bit of good news. Many states are starting to legalize the use of marijuana. I guess they’ve determined it doesn’t destroy brain cells, slow reaction time, damage your lungs, make you act stupid, and probably won’t kill you. Just don’t let that hundred and twenty-pound bale of dried weed you’re unloading into your basement for medicinal, and recreational uses, fall on top of you. I’m pretty sure it can kill you.

I just wish all those scientists with brains so big, they carry their heads around in wheelbarrows, would make up their minds about what will kill us. I went on a diet recently, lost a lot of weight in a short time, and had my doctor tell me to slow down. He said that losing too much weight, too fast, will kill you. I also heard that not eating breakfast will kill you, but if you eat eggs, bacon, and white bread toast for breakfast, it will kill you. Even sleeping can shorten your lifespan. Studies have shown that too much sleep will kill you, but too little sleep will also lead to any early death. And, if you somehow survive sleeping, you may be one of the 450 Americans who die every year from falling out of bed – while sleeping!

How many of you love delicious hamburgers, mouth-watering hot dogs, tender barbequed ribs, or big juicy steaks, cooked to perfection on a grill? Well, you have to be careful. I just learned that the grilling of food can kill you. My first thoughts were possibly expiring in a massive propane explosion, or meeting your maker, as you accidently catch fire, and become a running, human torch, as fellow picnicker’s look on in horror. To my dismay I was told that over-cooking meat on a grill produces chemicals which are harmful to our DNA, may increase the risk of cancer, and thus can kill us.

Here is a partial list of some of the things we do, or encounter every day, which may kill us. They include: exercising too little, or too much, using a cell phone, texting while walking, Tylenol, stress, loneliness, margarine, fast food, potato chips, sitting too much, salt, getting angry, cold cuts, toothpaste, whole milk, microwave ovens, and having your spouse just take out a million-dollar life insurance policy on you. To be fair; that last one may not kill you, but it does increase your chances of having an unfortunate accident, or mistakenly ingesting something you wouldn’t necessary eat or drink, like rat poison, arsenic, or antifreeze.

Here’s one I hadn’t thought about. Your kids can kill you. Studies have shown that the stress incurred while raising a child to adulthood can shorten lifespans. I believe this is absolutely true. What parent hasn’t been up late at night, worrying about the safety and health of their children, or how to pay for new braces, ballet lessons, or for escalating college costs. I really don’t think my kids realize what a burden it is to raise a child. The other night I said to my son.

“Adam, do you know you’re killing me?” He replied, “Yeah, yeah, yeah – whatever. Hey dad; can I borrow the car, and do you have a few bucks to spare? There’s a big party at Jakes house tonight.”

At least some recent studies have shown that some things aren’t as bad for us as previously thought. I can now eat dark chocolate, partake of wine in moderation, drink huge cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee, and load up on sugar, without having waiting ambulances parked in my driveway. I know sugars not the greatest thing to eat, but those artificial sweeteners, and high-fructose corn syrups will really kill you.

I do have some good news. Statistics show, I only have a 1 in 500,000 chance of meeting my demise by being hit by a rogue asteroid on a collision course with earth, a 1 in 84,000 chance of being struck by lightning, and a 1 in 250 chance of being shot and killed. If I forget my wife’s birthday or some other important date, those odds drop dramatically to 1 in 125, but that’s still, not too bad. I guess the only thing I’m sure will kill me, is old age. I have a 1 in 1 chance of this. While I’m waiting for it, could you please hand me that Bong. I just got some great weed from California. Just be careful. It’s very heavy. If you drop it on your foot, it may just kill you.

About Patrick Dykie

I'm a simple, middle class family man, living a quiet life in eastern Pennsylvania. As you can see from my picture, I just became a first-time grandfather. I love to write and make people laugh. I'm trying to be a full-time writer. I've faced some things over the past few years, including health problems that have slowed me down in my dreams, but I'm back, and writing again. Over the past few years, I've written a number of books, but none have been published. That's about to change. I will be self-publishing "Simple Observations," through iuniverse in the next few months. I'll keep you updated on its status. Thank you for coming to my site. I hope you enjoy the visit.
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20 Responses to You’re Killing Me Man

  1. This is so hilarious and true! Life was much simpler. Now everything is out to get us!

    Like

  2. Joseph Nebus says:

    How many people die from falling asleep on top of vending machines? There’s a piece to the puzzle missing.

    Like

  3. Haha, Patrick, this is so funny. I tend to take all these threats with a pinch of salt except for raising children. Baking with children is definitely life threatening, but I think it is their life rather than mine. [smile]! PS you should add a button so that people can share your lovely posts on Facebook.

    Like

    • Thank you. I’m glad you liked it. I’ll check on what I need to do to add the button, so the stories can be shared. I already have a link to my personal Facebook page, and all my posts go there.

      Like

  4. Another funny one that cracked me up. How do you do it? You make it flow so seamlessly until one can’t help but grin silly. I hope you get published soon. I’m sure it will be a treat.

    Like

    • Thank you. It takes a lot of practice, and I write and rewrite the stories multiple times to get them the way I want them. Plus – as my wife always reminds me; I’m weird. The humor part of my stories is easy, it’s the writing that is tough. I’m on the final edit of my book, and then comes the cover. It’s getting close. Thanks again, and take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. fallcorn1936 says:

    Wonderful piece of writing. I usually just read the first few lines as I go through the many blogs I receive but on this one, I didn’t stop until the very end. Great piece and very funny. I am 81 and have given up worrying about what might kill me as eventually, it will happen anyway…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. You look like you’re doing pretty well for 81. Just be careful. I heard that having a sharp mind, writing and reading blogs, and enjoying some, may kill you. P.S. Please don’t fall in a pond. It could kill you. Take care of yourself.

      Like

  6. Lifetime Chicago says:

    This is great….but guess what just came out the other day and was reported on the news here in Illinois…this was just two days ago. Studies have shown that sitting in your car and traveling any distance will kill you….scientists have discovered there is more air pollution and toxic chemicals in your car, twice as many as any air pollution outside…lol….so now what????

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s a new one, I didn’t know about. I’m glad you informed us, so we can all take action. As for me, it’s very hot here in Pennsylvania. I think I’ll just roll up the windows, crank up the AC, and take my chances. Thank you for stopping by.

      Like

  7. Reblogged this on The Writers Desk and commented:
    A hilarious post by Patrick from SIMPLE OBSERVATIONS A Humorous look at the Absurdity of the World.

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  8. You are hilarious, Patrick.I wouldn’t worry too much. I was born in 1943, WWII, and have lived through every war since. We used to put corn kernels in my mom’s cast iron frying pan with a bit of olive oil (it’s an Italian thing), eat tomatoes right out of the garden, just wiped them off, ate hot dogs, hamburgers, we even used to chew that stuff that you could blow plastic bubbles with (the name of it escapes me at the moment), it came in a small tube and a small straw and you would put some of the sludge on the tip of the straw and blow a plastic bubble. After playing with the bubbles we would break them and chew them for a while. Both of my parents smoked and so did I for 40 years. Drank water from a hose shared soft drinks with our friends, we did wipe the bottle before we drank, and many other things on your list. I am now 74, still married, retired from AT&T, raised three children, put them through university, and they were all teenagers at the same time. They are all married now and I have beautiful, healthy, intelligent grandchildren.Have a published book, “The Italian Thing”. My only advice to you Patrick is “Don’t Worry Be Happy”. When your number is up, you’re out of here no matter how old you are or what you do.I thoroughly enjoyed this post and am going to reblog it. I know my readers will love it too. ☺☺☺

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words, and you’re rebloging of my story. I’m glad you could reminisce about the past. With all the craziness, there were some great times. It’s amazing all things we survived. Don’t forget riding around in the back seat of the car without seat belts, and all those lunch lady specials we ate every day at school.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. ivors20 says:

    What about, die laughing too much, I’m killing myself laughing here, at your article…. and you stressed out my memory cells, trying to recall the my last “smoke”, hmmm, maybe the Rolling Stone Concert at Kooyong, Melbourne early 1973.

    Like

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