This may sound a little crazy, but I think my wife is trying to drive me insane. I know, I’ve been saying for years that she makes me nuts, but this is something totally new and different. The other night, right around bedtime, she was watching a nature show. I asked her what it was about. She said it was a documentary on polar bears, and their valiant struggle to survive in a rapidly changing environment, due to the effects of global warming. The strange thing is, after I yawned and said, “goodnight;” she looked me in the eye, and in a quiet, eerie, and should I say, spooky voice said,
“Do you know that polar bears like to……… eat people?”
“Won’t all species of bears, consume humans if given the chance, and if they’re hungry enough?” I replied. She didn’t answer. Instead, she just gave me a strange, unsettling smile, as I left the room, and headed up the stairs to the bedroom.
I didn’t think too much about it at first, but I did notice how drowsy I felt. I usually have trouble falling asleep, but I was struggling to keep my eyes open. When my wife got into bed a little later, I was barely awake. I vaguely recall her saying in a quiet, yet mesmerizing voice,
“An adult polar bear, is the only bear which will purposely stalk, attack, kill, and devour a human being. Goodnight, and have sweet dreams, darling.”
As I slipped further and further into peaceful slumber, I sensed my wife move closer to me. I’m not quite sure, but I swear she whispered something in my ear. It was jumbled, and didn’t make a lot of sense, but it sounded like,
“White bear, huge, teeth, eat, man, can’t escape, yummy.”
Maybe you can guess how my night went. I awoke a few hours later drenched in sweat, and still shaking from a horrifying, and disturbing nightmare about being chased down and consumed by dozens of ravenous polar bears. In the dream, they also stole all the ice from my freezer, and trashed my gas-guzzling truck, while roaring something about excessive carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.
The next day, I read a fascinating, and interesting article in a magazine about dreams. It seems, that the human subconscious, is extremely vulnerable to verbal, visual, or written suggestions, right before bedtime. All of us dream during what’s called REM sleep; though, we often can’t remember what we dreamed about. REM, stands for “Rapid Eye Movement,” due to the fact that our eyelids flutter during this sleep stage. The article talked about how dreams can often be determined by sensory stimulation before we go to sleep. If we watch a movie or TV show, hear a discussion, or read a book on a certain subject, we will often dream about it that night. It also stated that some people are more susceptible to these cues. Can you say – Patrick?
It took me a while to put it all together, but I’ve come to realize that my wife, through some insidious, diabolical, and yet unknown master plan, has been messing with my dreams. I probably haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks. I’ve also realized that she’s been saying things to me right before bedtime for at least two or three months. Sometimes what she says make sense, and at other times it seems like nonsense. A week or so ago, she passed me in the hall, and said,
“Vampires suck the warm blood of the living to quench their insatiable thirst.”
“What in the heck was that all about?” That was my first thought, until later that night, when my dream world was swarming with soulless, evil creatures of the night, with large and sharp canines, dripping with red and viscous blood.
A few days later, as I brushed my teeth, she blurted out, “wolf pack.” Yes, you guessed it. My nighttime respite, consisted of me, frantically floundering through six-foot snow drifts in a hopeless race, as the howling of a pack of merciless and hungry wolves drew ever closer. I awoke with my blanket around my head, screaming hysterically, and flailing my arms to fend off large and vicious, fur-covered predators. Sitting up in bed, I looked over at my wife, to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently hit her, in my dream-induced frenzy of swinging arms, and kicking feet. She calmly looked at me, said, “Bad dream, huh” – and rolled over and went back to sleep.
Yesterday, I brought up the subject of her messing with my dreams. She laughed, and said,
“Come on; you’re being silly. I love you. Why would I want to cause you to have bad dreams? Besides, do you have any proof?”
“Hmmm….. Let’s see. I have a half-empty bottle of sleeping pills, that I don’t remember ever using. I also have a copy of the million-dollar life insurance policy you had me sign a few months ago. Oh yeah; I almost forgot. I have a very interesting book in my possession that I found in the basement, behind the furnace. Does this title ring a bell? “A wife’s guide to driving her husband insane through dreams.”
I know what a lot of you are thinking. “Why doesn’t this guy, just run, and not look back?” What can I say. I love my wife, and I did once say, “till death do us part.” I just never figured, I’d be the one dying! I better get going. It’s almost bedtime, and I’m trying to avoid my wife, so she can’t give me some crazy or terrifying suggestion that will influence my dreams. Oh, oh, I hear her calling me.
“Honnneyyyy………… you have to come see this. There’s a movie on the Sci Fi channel about mother-in law zombies. It is so cool.”