Simple And Funny Observations of Everyday Life

Slowly Becoming…….Bleached Bones!

a-1

The other day, I complained to a friend about the sparse rainfall, low humidity, and intense heat, which had turned my once lush and beautiful yard, into a bleak and desolate landscape of dried grass, wilted flowers, an algae-covered pond, drifting sand, and rolling tumbleweeds. Well, maybe not those last two, but it was pretty dry. In response, he said,

“What’s this with heat? Just six months ago, you were whining to me about how cold it was. You said you were miserable, and couldn’t wait for summer.”

“He’s right,” I thought to myself. I do hate cold weather. I guess the question is, which one do I hate more? That’s a tough one. Do I dislike dressing in five layers of clothing, shivering uncontrollably, shooing boisterous penguins off my pond, and fighting off ravenous polar bears with an ice scraper; or do I hate the thought of sweating profusely, removing drifting sand from my driveway, and getting trampled by nasty camels? I asked my wife for help deciding, since she knows how much I hate both cold and hot weather. She said,

“What would be worse; dying from exposure to freezing temperatures, or expiring from excessive heat?”

That’s an easy answer – heat. I heard hypothermia is a relatively painless and easy death. You’re very cold at first, but soon you become drowsy, curl up in a ball, and drift slowly and peacefully off to sleep. You know you’re not going to die from dehydration. You’re walking through six feet of snow, for Heaven’s sake! If you get thirsty, all you have to do is open your mouth. It also helps that you turn into a giant popsicle. When rescuers find you, they easily load you onto a sled, bring you back, and thaw you out. You may be dead, but you still look pretty good for the viewing.

I believe, meeting your maker under an unforgiving sun, in a vast and inhospitable desert, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Dehydration would begin taking its toll, and then you’d start having hallucinations of expensive bottled water, and the frozen foods section of your local supermarket. Soon, buzzards would begin circling, as you wandered aimlessly among towering cactus plants, poisonous scorpions, and deadly rattlesnakes. By late afternoon, your Banana Boat sunscreen would be used up, and you’d be dealing with the beginning of a nasty sunburn. If someone finds you within a few days, you resemble a giant raisin. If you’re not found for months, all that’s left is – bleached bones!

Did you ever see pictures of the bleached bones of longhorn cattle that died amid scorching desert heat? You’ll see white skulls bleached by the sun, with the distinctive horns protruding from shifting sands as tumble weeds meander by. It’s not a pretty sight. At you’re funeral, you’ll peacefully recline in your coffin, wearing your only black suit, which is now ten sizes too big. As mourners solemnly pass, to pay their last respects, you might hear these words,

“He looks just like he did in life. Maybe, even a little better. Yes, but he’s a little thin, and so white. He was either an incredible, dieting success story on the new and improved Weight Watchers meal plan, or someone threw him in a washing machine, and added bleach.”

The more I think about it, I realize, I hate hot weather more than cold. A few days ago, I saw a picture of our former President. It was obviously taken a few years ago, during a very hot day. He looked uncomfortably hot in a dark suit, as he wiped sweat from his brow with a handkerchief. In the picture, he seemed to be glancing towards a cloudless sky, and possibly thinking,

“Man, I hate this heat. I keep telling people about global warming, but they’re not listening.”

You know what’s starting to really scare me? I can live with the possibility of the earth warming to uncomfortable and stifling temperatures.  What I can’t accept, is that the President of the United States; the leader of the most powerful country in the world, is sweating his butt off. Wasn’t he constantly surrounded by dozens of aides, and secret service personnel? Are you telling me that not one of them had a battery-operated fan?

If I were the President of the United States of America, I would travel in an air-conditioned enclosure like the Pope Mobile. The inside of the White House would be so cold, it would resemble a hockey rink, and the congressional budget committee would be complaining about the enormous electric bills. If I needed to move from the White House to a limo, or a waiting helicopter, I would have people with generator powered air conditioners strapped to their backs, following me, until I was inside. I might even move the White House to northern Maine. It’s pretty disturbing, if you think about it. If our President is sweating, what chance does someone like me have? I’m already halfway to becoming nothing more than – bleached bones!

4 Replies to “Slowly Becoming…….Bleached Bones!”

  1. Dear Patrick, I enjoyed this post. It made me smile :), especially the part about your President sweating it out. I’m from India and it’s hot almost throughout the year. So, I definitely can relate to this. “Drinking to look better’ sounds interesting. So I’m going to read that next :).

    Like

    1. Thank you. I’m glad it made you smile. I don’t write hilarious humor. it’s always clean with no cursing. The book I’m having published, is easy to read and pleasant. One of the reactions I get when people read previews is that it made them smile. That’s good enough for me.

      Like

  2. Thanks for commenting Ivors, but I thought I was supposed to be the funny one here. I guess there’s room for both of us. Your comments always make my day. You should seriously think about writing humor.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

The Voice of Peace

Be the peace you are looking for

Gareth Roberts

Unorthodox Marketing & Strategy Blog

Making Time For Me

#HappyMeHappyWe

Indies Unlimited

Celebrating Independent Authors

Let Me Tell You the Story of...

A writing blog by H.R.R. Gorman

THE SPECTACLED BEAN

Tales, Thoughts + Tribulations of a Free Spirit in Suburbia

sandsoftime10

A peek into Megha's mind

Its good to be crazy Sometimes

A view from the inside of going through the minefield of the British benefit system if you are disabled and the ups and downs of coping with mental illness

Jennie Reads

I read them all so you can read the best!

Bobo's Book Bank

Hunky Heroes & Their Lady Loves

A Qoder Blog 👨🏻‍💻

Gotta Read & Write 'Em All !!!

Reading Rachel

Official website of Rachel Tey, author of Tea in Pajamas

Meet the Bloggers

a collection of interviews and daily word prompts

Rusty's Reading

A place to spotlight books and authors

Dani's Book Review Blog

Indie Book Blogger

Delphine's Babble on Some Good Reads

A Sleepy Conscious, Endless Wandering; The Promise To Write The Melting Of My Own Heart

Hot Shot Headlines

Fiery topics and scorching original work

Being Lydia!

A Life Rich in Faith, Bipolar, Chronic Pain, Creativity & Purple!

Lattes and Literature

Tales of a Voracious Reader

Calvin & Bloggie

the funny right under your nose

Michael Seidel, writer

Science fiction, fantasy, mystery and what-not

50 By 60

One woman's efforts to lose a bunch of weight before hitting 60

Restawyle

Rest, Relax and Enjoy

TwinMirrors

Look into our mirrors...You will see the most amazing things...

'TOONS AND TEXT

What he lacks in wit he more than makes up for in poor drawings!

BarclayHenderson.com

I've had many strange & humorous encounters of people, places and ideas.

Chasing Unicorns

If it's wacky, crazy, funny, silly, strange, weird, different, unheard-of, new, novel, or otherwise unique . . . . . . . it's a unicorn

GraceLessLand

No Adjustment Of The Internet Is Necessary

Like Dharma and Greg

If you can laugh, you WILL make it.

The Uncensored Writer

Writing Advice, Editing, Coaching.

The Bibliofile

Book Reviews, Books, Bestsellers, Literary Fiction

estherchiltonblog

Esther Chilton - Writer and Tutor

Early Bookish Birds

l live between those lines..

Myricopia

Exploring the Past to Improve the Future

Pun and Games

Featuring visual wordplay of all types by Gary Martin.

Sunshiny SA Site

Kavita Ramlal, Proudly South African

Township Rebel

When ignorance reigns, life is lost

International Liberty

Restraining Government in America and Around the World

Bob Mac's Blog

A place to post humor, thoughts & inspiration

crlives

A Journey Through Dementia at 48

Tales From the Fourth Dementia

Award-winning author Larry Day takes readers on a visit to the fictitious towns of La Mancha and Letongaloosa. In Day Dreaming: Tales from the Fourth Dementia, Day introduces the towns’ fascinating characters in a collection of short stories

Christine's Collection

My streams of thought meet here

Spoonie Writer/ Spoonie Blogger

Spoonfuls of Tips, Hacks, Tricks, and personal experiences for Spoonies.

Dovahkiin

Dovah Ko Aan Ahlek

[Faith]fully Living

A place to consider.

%d bloggers like this: