Most of you have heard the words, “beer goggles,” at one time or another. I’m not much of a drinker these days, so I asked one of my slightly inebriated friends down at the local corner bar, what it meant. He said, and I quote,
“It’s a physiological state, induced by the ingestion of alcohol, that may also include psychological alterations of consciousness. This may include a lowering of social inhibitions, as well as a decrease in vital decision-making abilities.”
I said, “What? Come on Frank. I know you were once a NASA rocket scientist, before you discovered pool halls and beer – but could you please put that in words I can understand?”
He replied, “The more you drink, the more attractive the opposite sex becomes.”
I thought about what he had said, and thought to myself, that he was probably right. I recall my days as a college student, when I might have imbibed a little more than I should have. In my younger days, I was never considered a looker, or a lady’s man, but I can tell you this. At 2:00 am, in a dark, smoke-filled room, after a night of heavy drinking – even that nice, eighty-year-old woman, doing shots, and smoking cigars at the end of the bar, was looking pretty hot.
The reason I’m bringing up the relationship between drinking and attractiveness is, I just heard something really crazy. A scientific study was recently published in the “Journal of Alcohol and Alcoholism,” in the United Kingdom that says people who drink, may actually be more attractive to people who aren’t drinking!
Researchers took photos of a group of people before they had a drink, after they had one drink, and then after they had a second drink. They then showed the snapshots to a separate group of sober students at a local university, and asked them to judge the research subjects for attractiveness. Results clearly showed, that the best-looking people, were the ones who had consumed at least one drink. The scientist conducting the study, hypothesized, it may be possible that the consumption of one drink, slightly dilates the eyes, and makes the cheeks rosy. This gives the drinker a cheerful and pleasant appearance, and thus makes the person more appealing. Now that I think about it; it makes perfect sense. He might not be your top choice for a life partner on Match.com, but we all love Santa Claus, right?
After reading these informative, and interesting results, I decided to do my own research study concerning the attractiveness of a person who is drinking. In the interest of science, the never-ending quest for knowledge, and because I had nothing better to do, I decided to use myself as a test subject. The main purpose of my study, was to determine if there is a direct correlation between attractiveness, and the amount of alcohol consumed by an individual. It should be noted that the judges for this intriguing study would be my wife, Barbara, my son, Adam, and my dog, Chase.
As I set up my research, I found there were many variables to take into account, which could adversely affect the results. These included: The location and atmosphere in which the drinking takes place, the attire of the person doing the drinking, and size of the drink. Preliminary research on the chosen variables showed that conducting the study in a German beer hall, and dressing in bright green lederhosen with suspenders and a Bavarian alpine hat, might negatively affect the results. Add an enormous two-pint stein of fine ale, and you have a recipe for failure.
I’ve also hypothesized that the wearing of a clown outfit, drinking from a beer bong, or directly ingesting beer from a keg dispenser, may lower the attractiveness rating of the study participant, and thus skew the results of a very important observational study.
I note for clarity, and full transparency, that the study got off to a rough start, when my son, Adam, brought up an important point, which I hadn’t taken into consideration in setting up my initial research parameters. He said,
“Dad, I hope you don’t take this personally……., and I don’t want to mess up your research, but what if you’re not attractive to start with?”
Wow, that is a conundrum. After careful consideration, I decided to change the purpose of my study to determining whether a person looks BETTER, or more specifically, does the appearance of a person improve in the eyes of sober persons/man’s best friend, as they consume a specific, and regulated quantity of alcohol?
I decided to perform the test in my living room. I would be attired in a simple pair of dark blue Dockers, and a light blue polo shirt. The alcohol consumed for the experiment would consist of twelve-ounce, icy cold bottles of Coors Light, at a predetermined temperature of exactly thirty-four degrees. The beer would be poured into frosty mugs, which had been placed in a freezer for two hours prior to consumption.
The full, official results of the research study will hopefully be published in the next few months. I was going to publish them here today, but I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover, and I’m sorry to say – not looking very attractive. Here is a brief summary of the results.
- After one, two and three drinks, my wife and son noticed no perceptible change in my appearance, in terms of either an improvement in looks, or a decrease in facial appeal.
- My dog, Chase, throughout the study, did not seem to care how much alcohol I drank. I’ve hypothesized, that man’s best friend isn’t concerned with appearance. As long as I take him for walks, feed him, and scratch that special place behind his left ear; it wouldn’t matter if I looked like Mr. Potato Head.
- After four drinks, the seriousness of this very important study was compromised by my wife and son, who wouldn’t quit laughing, made silly comments, and kept trying to put a lampshade on my head.
- After six drinks, only one person thought I was attractive. Unfortunately, it was me.
- After eight drinks, my son got bored and went to watch TV. My wife opened a bottle of Chianti, and poured herself a few drinks.
- After four or five glasses of wine, my wife took the lamp-shade off my head, cupped my face in her hands, took a good look at me, and said,
“I just realized something. You’re one heck of an attractive man.”