When you think of social media, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Yes, you think of Facebook, Twitter, blogs such as Blogger and WordPress, and all those crazy, You Tube videos. I have to be honest – that You Tube stuff really scares me! It seems that nothing’s private any more. You can’t even get a little frisky with your wife in the back seat of your old Dodge, at that romantic spot you used to park at as kids. I should now. It happened to me a few weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I do remember, lit up cell phones, and hysterical laughter. I then got two million You Tube hits, a premium spot at a pornography site called, “Amateur Couples Doing It,” and calls from proctologists telling me they could easily remove that huge wart on my posterior.
I have to admit that I have a few personal blogs, periodically tweet, recently signed up with Facebook, and may be addicted to it. I’ve been told that there’s some pretty nice people on Facebook. A friend of mine told me a woman friended him, told him her name was Tina and Rebecca, and sent a picture of herself. He said they were sweet, highly intelligent, and quite attractive. I said, “What do you mean, they?” It turns out they were Siamese twins. He said it was one of the best double dates he ever had.
I recently read that there is almost two billion people with Facebook accounts. I also just heard that at least 80 million of those may not be real people! What do they mean, they’re not real people? What are they – robots? Does this mean I may be madly and hopelessly in love with a blow-up doll named Molly, from Kenosha, Wisconsin? I guess that explains why she’s always smiling, doesn’t say much, and her two kids look like inflatable pool toys.
The one problem I’ve been having with Facebook is, it’s just too easy to make friends, or to dump them later on. To gain a friend, all you have to do is send a friend request to some total stranger, or someone who is a friend of someone that’s already your friend. I don’t know about you, but that kind of sounds like taking your first cousin to the prom. You’ll get a dance or too, and maybe even a peck on the cheek at the end of the evening, but that’s it. Not very satisfying, huh? If you want to be sure, who your real friends are, then do what I did. Contact them at two in the morning and say,
“Hey, friend.” I need a favor. My wife just threw me out, I’m totally wasted, so busted, I don’t even have change for the bus, and I need a place to crash. Oh, by the way. Could you wire me some money?”
It’s even easier to un-friend someone. In order to drop a person from your friend list, possibly destroy their self-esteem, make them question their very existence, and end up ripping the very beating heart from their chest – all you need to do is push a button. Sounds kind of cruel and impersonal, doesn’t it? What ever happened to the days, when you had to march over to your neighbor’s house, bang on the door, wait until it was opened, look them in the eye and say,
“Listen, Burt. You haven’t returned the hedge trimmer you borrowed three years ago, your dog craps in my yard, you play loud music at three in the morning, and those are my wife’s panties in your hand. I’m sorry, and I know it’s going to be painful, but we can’t be friends anymore.”
I started tweeting last year, and I still don’t get some of the lingo I see. If you’ve being living in a monastery on a Tibetan hillside for the past ten years, and don’t know what tweeting is – let me tell you something. It’s insane! When you tweet, you’re allowed only 140 characters to get your message out. To do that you have to use a series of letters of the alphabet in what’s known as “Tweeting Shorthand.”
I can tell you one thing. I’m a very complex, deep, and sentimental man. I can’t tweet my deepest, most innermost thoughts and feelings from the bottom of my soul in anything under 54,000 characters. My wife hates tweeting. I’ll sometimes tweet her from work to try to set up a romantic evening, and put her in the mood for love. Last week I tweeted this, but I don’t think it truly imparted the feelings of a man, intimately communicating with the love of his life, and his soul mate of almost twenty-three years. It said,
“Luv ya babe. RUOK. OMG. I am soooo horny. Me/you/dinner/wine/little luvin.<3. BTW. I am soooo horny. BFN/TMB with answer.”
I’ve even started a number of blogs where I get to write on different subjects. I’ve found that blogs are a wonderful opportunity to hone my writing skills, meet new people, and get people to think, and maybe laugh a little. The only problem is, there’s often too much pressure. At the end of each post is what’s called a “Like” button. If you’ve enjoyed the post, found it informational, entertaining, or meaningful in some way you have the opportunity to express your feelings by pressing the like button. Talk about pressure. I sometimes can’t even get my wife to like me. Now I have to be funny, witty, and brilliant just to get a few likes from people I don’t know!
I’ve also been having some problems with comments left at the end of my posts. How about these, that I’ve gotten in the past week. They include: “You suck,” “That’s about as funny as your love-making abilities,” “Excuse me while I go outside and hurl,” and “You really suck.” And those were just the ones my wife wrote! I had to delete the ones my mother-in-law left.
I better wrap this up and see if I can write something good enough so I can get some more friends or followers. I have just one question. Are followers the same as stalkers? I was taking my dog, Chase for a walk this morning, heard a noise, turned around, and found 136 people staring at me.