Snippets from Simple Observations

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Here are a few more extracts from my new book, “Simple Observations, a Humorous Look at the Absurdity of the World Around Us.” I am also promoting a book giveaway. I will be giving away (1) hardback copy, (5) softcover copies, and (10) E-books from Book Stub. All you have to do is send an E-mail to p.dykie@aol.com, and write “Simple Observations Contest.” If you are randomly picked as I winner, I will contact each of you personally, tell you of your prize, and ask for a shipping address. The prizes will be sent to winners, free of any costs, anywhere in the world. The contest will run from 2/22/2018 through 3/24/2018. I’m not asking for any reviews of the book. Just read it, and enjoy the stories. If you liked the book, tell a friend about it, or loan your copy to someone else. I have always appreciated those who have come here to read my posts. There are still free E-books available through BookGrabbr, and can be accessed at the top right hand side of my blog. Thank you. Continue reading

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Losing that Comfortable Feeling

 

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All of us, at one time or another, has had that perfect piece of clothing, or even an entire outfit. You know the ones. They not only feel comfortable, and fit perfectly, but they make you look fantastic! You could look like the Frankenstein monster on a bad hair day, and frighten innocent young children with impressionable minds; but put on the incredibly flattering attire, and you immediately have paparazzi reaching for their cameras, after mistaking you for a famous Hollywood movie star. Many of us, will futilely search our entire lifetimes for the perfect set of clothing, only to come up empty. Others, will by some miracle, acquire the magical combination of comfort, and beauty, but lose it along the way, and be left with only a wonderful memory.

A few years back, my wife had found a stunning outfit, at a small women’s clothing store, on the main avenue of a quiet, out-of-the-way village. The simple, yet magnificent ensemble, consisted of a silk blouse with an exquisite lavender floral pattern, a solid-colored, light gray knee-length skirt, and a matching jacket with padding to give the illusion of much broader shoulders. The outfit, was not only soft, and comfortable, but accentuated her classic beauty, appeared to take ten pounds off her already slim shape, and provided for a tiny waist, along with slightly wider hips, and a posterior which put Kim Kardashian’s to shame. I swear, it even made her look taller. I think I loved that outfit more than she did. When she wore it to work, I would often wait at the front door when she got home. I would then ask about her day, as I followed her around the house like a wide-eyed, tail-wagging puppy, begging for treats. Continue reading

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I Think I’m a Goner

 

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As you get older, it’s only natural to start thinking about your own well-being, and how many years you still have left on this earth. The good news is that many people, through eating healthier, eliminating daily stress, exercising more, and giving up bad habits like overindulging in alcoholic beverages, and smoking, are living a lot longer. The bad news is, I think I better start updating my will. Either that, or put down this double whopper with cheese, put on a pair of track shoes, and take off running.

Do you know that there have been multiple scientific studies over the past few years, which claim to be able to predict how much longer you’ll live? Who knew? If I want to know how long I have to live, I just have to ask my wife. She’d probably say, “Let’s see……. we still have eight years left on our mortgage, the kids will be out of college in three, and you’re retiring in exactly ten years. Well, my best guess, and taking into consideration your incredible bad luck; I’d, say, exactly ten years, and about thirty seconds. Of course, if you don’t fix the light in the bathroom like you promised – it could be a lot sooner.” Continue reading

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For Whom the Bell Tolls

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I was standing on my deck a few days ago, coffee cup in hand, and bundled in warm winter clothing. I had gone outside to see if my bird feeder needed filling. I usually purchase a large bag of birdseed in the fall to help some of the small, local birds who don’t migrate, survive the harsh winter weather. Lately, I’ve had to fill it often, due to gluttonous squirrels, who venture daily from their winter nests, to eat the unexpected bounty. The sun was starting to set, but there was enough light to see an eastern finch, a few sparrows, and a solitary dove, perched precariously on the small ledge encircling the feeder which dangled about four feet off the ground

Watching my feathered friends eagerly partake of a mix of sunflower and safflower seeds, cracked corn, sorghum, dried peas, and assorted grains, I took a moment to enjoy the peaceful scene. Suddenly, from somewhere nearby, I began to hear a faint jingling sound, which could have been, either a wind chime or a very small bell. The strange thing is, the sound wasn’t continuous. It would ring for a few seconds, stop, and then a few moments later, start up again. Soon, the birds became agitated, stopped feeding, and began to swivel their heads back and forth, as if confused by the strange sound. The intermittent and erratic bell-like sound, became louder, as if slowly approaching. Continue reading

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An Inside View of My New Book

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In order to promote my new book, I’m going to be posting a few snippets from some of my stories. I hope you enjoy them. Remember, there are still free copies of my E-book available at BookGrabr. Just click the book cover on the right. You can go to iUniverse, Amazon, or Barnes and Noble Bookstores to purchase copies of my book. I appreciate all of you who come here to “Simple Observations of Everyday Life,” to read my stories. Thank you. Continue reading

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Are We There Yet?

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Hopefully, this will be the last old post, I pull from my archives, and I’ll have some new stories this week. I appreciate your patience, if you’ve already read this one. My new book, “Simple Observations,” is available, and you can find it by accessing Amazon, and iUniverse bookstores through this site. I didn’t realize it had gone worldwide, until I saw sites in Japan, England, and Sweden which have the book for sale.  There are also, free E-book downloads, still available at Bookgrabbr.

Hey, guess what? I just got home from the store, with a new Garmin Drive Assist 51 LMTS-1 GPS, advanced navigational system. I’m told it has a built-in dash cam, advanced driver alerts such as forward collision warning, a 5.0-inch capacitive touch, pinch-to-zoom display, and detailed maps of North America with free lifetimes updates. Add to that, real-time services such as traffic and weather reports, and live view parking availability information as you approach your destination, and I may never get lost again! Well, to be honest; I’ll probably still get lost. On the bright side – I’ll have this amazing, talking, computerized marvel to keep me company.

Now, if I can just get thissss…..  uhhhhh….., darn box open. Sorry. Just a second, while I get my wife. “Honey, can you come help me open this box? If you don’t mind, could you please find the scissors, a box cutter, our hedge clippers, and my new ax. Oh, and bring Adam along. If I ever get this thing open, I’m going to need you and our sons formidable, combined brain capacity to put this thing together, figure out how it works, program it, get it installed in our car, and teach me how to use it.” Continue reading

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My Wife’s Escape

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I hope you don’t mind, but I pulled this post from last years archives. I’ve been slowly but surely getting my new book into the marketplace, and along with work, it’s taking a lot of my time. Right now, I’m surviving on coffee and adrenaline. “Simple Observations” is available at my publisher “iUniverse in E-book, format, as well as in soft and hard cover. It is also available in Kindle at Amazon, as well as in soft and hard cover formats. Remember, there are still FREE copies at BookGrabbr. You can them access by hitting my book cover on the right. As always – thank you for visiting.

I know that all marriages have their ups and downs, but after twenty-three years of wedded bliss, something’s changed. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but my wife has been distant lately, seems preoccupied with something, and we just don’t seem as close as we once were. We used to hold hands, as we took long walks, discussed our future over morning coffee, and laughed together at some of the silliest things. I know her work has been stressful, we have a new grandchild that takes up a lot of our time, and I’ve had some health issues over the past year, but this is something different. It’s like I lost my best friend.

I’ve racked my brain to try to narrow down the time things began to change. The only thing that makes sense, is for some reason, it all started around the time she bought her brand new, 2017 Ford Escape SE Titanium. It seems crazy to me, but sometimes, as soon as she gets home from work, she’ll change clothes, jump in her escape, and disappear for hours at a time. I have no idea, where she goes, or what she does. She’ll often come home hours later with her face flushed, and an empty tank of gas. I know it’s not the man who sold her the car. No, it couldn’t be. Besides, he was at least eighty, used a walker, and as he talked, his dentures would pop in and out of his mouth. Continue reading

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Let’s Have Some Face Time

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Very soon, my new book will be available at Amazon, and many retailers. I just found out this morning that it’s available at the “iUniverse ” bookstore. I’ve been so busy with work and launching my book, that time is at a premium. I hope you don’t mind, but for the next week, I’m going to pull some of my older simple observations from the archives, and post them each day as I catch up on things. Be sure to hit the picture of my book on the right, to get a free download of “Simple Observations.” In a few weeks, there will another giveaway on Goodreads. I have really appreciated all of you who have supported this blog.

When you think of social media, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Yes, you think of Facebook, Twitter, blogs such as Blogger and WordPress, and all those crazy, You Tube videos. I have to be honest – that You Tube stuff really scares me. It seems that nothing’s private any more. You can’t even get a little frisky with your wife of twenty-three years, in the back seat of your old Dodge, at that romantic spot you used to park at as kids. I should know. It happened to me a few weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I do remember, lit up cell phones, and hysterical laughter. I then got two million You Tube hits, a premium spot at a pornography site called, “Amateur Couples Doing It,” and calls from proctologists telling me they could safely and easily remove that huge, ugly wart on my posterior. Continue reading

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Hey – Who Turned Out the Lights?

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How many of you remember when laws were instituted in 2007, to gradually phase out old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs, and replace them with the more environmentally friendly CFL’s or LED ones? You can still get incandescent lights bulbs, but the 60 watt ones are gone, and the rest, in order to be sold, have to meet tough government standards for energy efficiency. The main reason, incandescent bulbs are being eliminated is that they’re considered to be inefficient, and incompatible with today’s modern world. Do you know what’s really scary? That sounds exactly like me. Just ask my wife, and she’ll tell you that I’m outdated, extremely inefficient, going the way of the dinosaurs, and often useless. Do you think I should be replaced? Don’t answer that – I think we already know the answer.

A few months ago, I began to change all the old incandescent light bulbs in my house to the new CFL (compact fluorescent bulbs), or the LED (light emitting diode) ones. Of course, I had to remortgage my house, drain my savings, and raid my son’s college fund to afford them. Over the past few years, I’ve noticed the price of them have dropped, but they’re still out of the reach of many households. I have a question. What if you’re poor, and can’t afford the cost of these new, more efficient light bulbs? Do you stock up on flashlights and candles, and go to sleep before nightfall? I did notice one thing, after doing my small part to save the environment, and ensure the future of this planet for my children and grandchildren. My once bright, well-lit, and cozy home, now resembles a dark and forbidding cave. Within a few weeks after the changeover, a bear had moved into the spare bedroom, and there’s dozens of possibly rabid bats, roosting on my ceiling fan. The good news is, I don’t get many door-to-door salesmen anymore, and I’ve eliminated my mosquito problem. Continue reading

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Lunch Meat Wars

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How many of you regularly visit a local delicatessen, to procure fine meats, cheeses, and assorted hot and cold items? Here in the United States we call them delis, and many are located inside major supermarket chains. Delicatessens originated in Germany during the 18th century, and then spread to most of Europe, before becoming popular in America. I heard that the word was derived from the French word, “delicatesse,” which means, “delicious things to eat.” I think, when I finish writing this simple observation, I’m going to hit my favorite “delicatesse.” It’s called – Burger King.

I was at my local supermarket yesterday to pick up some lunch meat, or what is also called sliced meats, deli meats, luncheon meats or cold cuts. I also needed an assortment of some of my favorite sliced cheeses. Whenever I’m at the deli, it always seems to be a little crazy. People are pushing and shoving each other, everyone’s jostling for position in front of the big glass cases, words, I can’t mention on this blog are routinely volleyed back and forth, and fights are breaking out after people butt in front of someone else. What a coincidence. That’s exactly what happens at my family’s wedding receptions, when the buffet line is officially opened. Continue reading

Posted in Everyday Life, Food | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments